Survive the Above's Attack

[Odainsaker 2,137]

Still staggering from AKB48, and now facing this new assault, I resign myself to death.  Just then, I remember I am carrying my Takiranger Limited Edition Uchiwa Concert Fan! We are saved!



Tackey!  Ai no Senshi Takiranger defeats all with the Power of Love.  "Le monde a besoin d'amour"...the tacky "really really like you" lyrics that would have been our doom now become Tackey's sweet confession affirming all that is right and precious in the world.  We squeal as a little girl.

The other teenybop fangirls are overwhelmed with envy and disgust that you wield Tackey's uchiwa.  Their deep-seated jealousy combined with another hope-slaying round of AKB48 singing mutates the auditorium audience into hideous, acid-spitting, xenomorph monsters thirsting madly for your blood.  Even your Tackey uchiwa talisman wilts in powerless despair.  Oh no, how did we ever get out of this the last time?  What do you do?

[philforhockey51 4,220]

Nightcrawler :kitty:  (X-Men) teleports in grabs me teleports out of the auditorium and onto the box truck driving past. We quietly make our way out of the city and into the awaiting jet.

 

 

The military launched a barrage on the auditorium to destroy it, 5seconds to impact, you’re walking by unaware, and the monsters are making their way out of the building.

[Thin White Duke 4,072]

Assume fetal position and hope for the best.

You are in the middle of a mexican standoff without a weapon and the it's about to hit the fan.

EDIT: Please keep it civil, thanks (Tonraq)

[RipRap 4,400]

There's always this thing called "duck"

You are in the middle of a frozen lake and fell under thin ice after being chased by a polar bear.

[Dazzyls 576]

I grab my cellphone and put on the flashlight to search for the gap in the ice. How did I get chased by that bear again? Who goes walking by foot on the north pole?! I actually would be dead already.

 

Survive playing CoD Advanced Warfare FOUR DAYS LONG!

[Odainsaker 2,137]

A stash of snacks, soda, coffee, and...errr...adult diapers.
 
Comrade Marshal Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Commander of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, says the above solution is a disgustingly typical example of the degenerate sloth of decadent American imperialist warmongers and their criminal lack of patriotic Juche.  Lil' Kim orders you immediately executed by firing squad...a firing squad of anti-aircraft guns!

 

Maybe this time, they will...

[NMUSpidey 3,956]

It's impossible to take him seriousry.  In fact, I think I'll get out of this one by just walking away when their crummy, old anti-aircraft guns simply don't fire while humming "I'm So Ronery" to myself.

 

Then I'll fly into the heart of the sun and set off a supernova.  Get outta THAT one!

[BLANKBLANK 4,414]

Clearly the person above is mentally deranged and makes no distinction between real life and fantasy. As a psychiatrist I recommend that this person be institutionalized.

 

Now is there anyone else I need to institutionalize?

[philforhockey51 4,220]

lol yeah all of us, and there are only so many rooms before we are set free to roam the earth.

 

Fearing the repercussions of letting so many go unattended, they have all been given an injection, which reacts badly as the testing phase was rushed. All turn into a zombie like trance. What do you do without the sheriff to lead the way?

[Odainsaker 2,137]

"Warm Bodies" showed us that you just have to find the cute zombie out of the ravenous zombie horde to make out with, and then your star-crossed love will rekindle their humanity.
 

 
Smooch, smooch.  Of course, you have to overlook your zombie boyfriend's rigor mortis, rotting smell, and wiggling worms...ick, never mind, just eat my brains already!

 

With a zombie apocalypse at long last giving him the legitimate excuse to order nationwide martial-law and the power to rule by presidential decree, Obama and the Liberals seize control of the government and send their fascist-communist-atheist-Islamist-FEMA-ACLU-PETA-vegan shock troops across the land to seize all our guns, terrorize us with high-speed rail initiatives, and forcibly enroll us into Obamacare.  As you stand before the Obamacare Death Panel...

[philforhockey51 4,220]

I remember I don't watch FoxNews since it is not a real news source(look for the headline a few years back where they had to legally change status to entertainment) and turn off the tv. I start playing SC4 instead,

 

I am unaware but as I send out disaster after disaster on my city (though I hardly ever really do, or at least never hit save, I mean I spent so much time on it how could I just destroy it. LOL)  it is actually happening to your hometown. There is a tornado and a giant robot, why not throw in an earthquake.

[NMUSpidey 3,956]

Well, first the tornado sucks up the robot so at least i don't have to deal with that.  Then I punch the ground with my massive fist and the earthquake splits it open where I hit it and swallows up the tornado, a last gust of wind from the dying tempest lifts me gently up into the air, delivering me free from harm from the earthquake.  I land, crack open an ice cold beer and smile wide as the entire city showers me with love and flowers and fireworks light up the sky because now it's suddenly night.  OH yeah.

 

The Kool-Aid man bursts through your wall, shouts, "OH YEAH!" and then continues blindly forward, with you directly in his path.

[Dazzyls 576]

Let him trip so he spills all his juice or whatever is in him and so he isn't running any longer.

 

The hulk has anger problems and just hits everyone he sees near him in the face. Unfortunately, you are the closest person to him and Stark is not near and neither are any of his robots.

[MandelSoft 2,775]

... and  then I remember that I was Thor. I drop Mjölnir on him to keep him in place, since no-one can move Mjölnir.

Speaking of which, you see a tsunami coming right at you, but Mjölnir is lying on your foot, so you are unable to run away and you have no knives or swords to cut of your foot.

[Odainsaker 2,137]

I pull up with all my might, but Thor's hammer cannot be lifted because apparently I am just not worthy (well, pffft!). However, I don't recall anything about not being able to dig down and out from under Mjölnir while still leaving it in its magically held place. If that fails, I'll untie my steel-toed boots and flee running in my socks. Marvel purists can argue over those some other time, just as I will have to put off till later berating that idiot biceps-for-brains Thor for leaving "unworthy" me indignantly stuck under his hammer in front of an oncoming tsunami. Speaking of which...

...whew, good thing I managed to dash the top of that conveniently nearby sea wall just in time, or that tsunami actually might have gotten me! Breathless, we are startled by the renewed panicked screams of the other survivors on the sea wall of the mega-industrial district, and turn to see that they are not shrieking at the receding tsunami, but at something else rampaging out of the turbulent waters:

"Gojira...aaaaiieeeee!!! We're all going to get irradiated and stepped on!"

[Dazzyls 576]

Just be a main caracter in the most recent Godzilla movie.

 

You are the first lady:

[Prophet42 1,503]

Luckily I know about Bill Clinton's 'escape' hatch he had built to dodge reporters (and Hillary) and drop into a secret, secure room.

 

You are a citizen of Pompeii and you decide to have a picnic on top of Mt. Vesuvius.  The date is November 23, 79 A.D. and the mountain seems restless...but you go anyway.

[Titanicbuff 1,262]

As the mountain shakes I pack it up and run. as the mud slides begin I jump on and ride it down.

 

2 busses are on a narrow mountain road, the collide head on- and your in the middle of them both.

[Lot Creator 304]

You jump out the side of the mountain, with a parachute.

 

You're given two pills, a red one and a green one. Which one do you take?

[Ganaram Inukshuk 906]

Neither; I lie and say I got red-green colourblindness.

 

You're at the Cajon Pass and realise that a train's overspeeding due to faulty brakes. You live at a house near a curve in the railroad and see the train barreling at you, knowing that it once it hits that curve, it'll go straight for your house. What do?

[airman15 4,113]

Run towards it! Well, run towards the track because the track is elevated a bit on a rail bed. Using this bed, the train will pass over me and once the last car leaves the track, then i'll book it!

 

I teleport you to the middle of Interstate 80, on a stretch that cuts right through Chicago! How do you get out of this mess?

[Prophet42 1,503]

Luckily it is rush hour and no cars are actually moving.  I calmly and safely walk to the side.

 

You are instantly teleported into outerspace 1 million miles from earth with no space suit on.  That sucks!!

[philforhockey51 4,220]

Call in a transport helicopter to pick me up, a couple of guys drop down hook up the car and away we go...

 

But a bird hits the props, copter is going down, all bail out but now an unmanned copter with a car hanging on it are falling your way...

[NMUSpidey 3,956]

I pull out my kick-ass bazooka and blow the thing to harmless smithereens.  Then I drop the bazooka and walk away from the explosion and falling (harmless) smithereens in slow motion because I'm awesome.

 

You killed Inigo Montoya's father, and now he's found you and it's time to die.

[MandelSoft 2,775]

I shoot him Indiana Jones-style. Never bring a sword to a gun-fight:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YyBtMxZgQs

 

The Master has stolen your TARDIS and you are stuck at the end of the Universe (time-wise). What do you do?

[Dazzyls 576]

But the master is our friend! And hobbitses don't have tardisses.

You are a balrog and you shall not pass.

[RipRap 4,400]

I don't know what that is, so I magically transform into a human and safely pass through.

Your airplane is about to be eaten by a shark. (Came from movie inspiration shark vs. airplane)

[wallacet 336]

Praying for divine intervention, I look out the window and see a SHARKNADO!!!! It sucks up all sharks in the surrounding area and carries them off elsewhere.

 

This sharknado throws said shark into your car's window while you are driving over a bridge. Distracted, you drive off the bridge and are now in free-fall, with a shark in your car.

[Dazzyls 576]

Then I realize it was a dream, because I don't have a car.

 

You are in Pisa, visiting the leaning tower, when it suddenly falls your way.

 

I don't know what that is, so I magically transform into a human and safely pass through.

 Have you never seen a Lord of the Rings movie?!

[Skimbo 304]

The tower isn't that big (12m radius) so the loud cracking is warning enough to run. As my black humor suggests, I cry out loud "TIMBER!" while running.

 

You've been followed by some strange guy, that's why you run away. Suddenly you decide to run up a hill to hide between the bushes and trees. As you arrive you notie this person still following you. There's some strange small building next to the bushes, you try the door, it opens. As you step in, you slide down some narrow chute, take a 3 meter free fall and end up in a dark chamber. You didn't hurt yourself too bad. After some minutes - still stunned- you notice some wind that hasn't been there before, you stand up. then you know where the hell you are. As the wind gets stronger, you can hear a fast aproaching diesel locomotive in the distance.....

 

What do you do?