What's the funniest quote?

[Zelgadis 638]

The guy who played Darth Maul in Star Wars I said:

"Well, when you get the makeup on and you look in the mirror... I mean... You just can't help but be naughty."

ISF

[josefmayor 8]

"Your bed is a car."

"Yah but it's a freakin sweet car."

"Yeah you can come in, just don't wake my room mates."

"Jeff you live with your parents."

"Same thing."

More to come when I watch Grandma's boy again and remember the funny ones.

[sanantonio 0]

"How cute is your baby?...Experts say: 'Not very.'"

- Turquesa Bay Herald Editor

[screamingman12 30]

"he has no imagination, he has no humor, he has no personality, therefore he does not exist"- Unknown West Point student on Stonewall Jackson.

[Kippis05 2]

"Don't yell at your mother! If you yell at your mother, a seagull will get ya!"

[Krio 626]

Got this in IRC.

[Easy Bakes 253]

"I told you so has a brother, his name is Shut the heck up"

C Montgomery Burns.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

"The report of my death is greatly exaggerated." Samuel Langhorn Clemmens (Mark Twain).

"I am sitting in the smallest room in my house.  I have your review before me.  Soon it will be behind me."  Oscar Wilde to George Bernard Shaw on Shaw's review of The Importance of Being Ernest,

[IDS2 3,429]

"You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!!! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat???"

-Pink Floyd, Wall

[Bookworm 1]

"Hey, watch this!" -Generally said before doing something very, very stupid.

[Easy Bakes 253]

Originally posted by: Bookworm "Hey, watch this!" -Generally said before doing something very, very stupid.

quote>

 

That goes with  "Here Honey, Hold the camera"

[Deathtoall 28]

If you know me you might get this but i was joking around in a supermarket with a freind and i said "Hey look, a green avacado!", the only problem, it was a red capsicum(or red peppers i think americans call them), so know when every i'm out with freinds it's always "Hey look, a ....."

It's really annoying considering it was like 5 years ago.

Last year there was a minor earthquake in the pacific that casued no damage but it made a few tsunami warnings. A Fox presenter said that the Australian(i'm Australian) city of Brisbane had been completely evacuated when Brisbane did not havea tsunami warining becuase it was not even in the path (if there was one) of the tsunami.

A drummer of a band from the 70's,80's i foget whom was playing with a gun and said " don't worry, it's not loaded", i sure you know how that ened up. Similar to "what could possibly go wrong?"

[screamingman12 30]

"Though frail, Castro denies he's dead" -New York Times, Oct. 28th 2006

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

"Get even.  Live long enough to be a problem to your children."  Anonymous.

[homeandaway 1]

"Yo mammas so fat - when she went to the beach - the whales sang - 'we are family'"!

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

"Well, un-promise it!" - my wife to her boss to had promised a project completion date despite other priority work in the pipeline.

[Barbarossa 51]

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  Edited September 7, 2012 by Barbarossa  

[Easy Bakes 253]

"I'll marry her now and consign her to Hell

Where Styx is a river, and not just a band,

Though they'll play our reception if all goes as planned"

Robot Devil

"The Devil’s Hands are Idle Playthings"

[BurroDiablo 222]

"He turned round to me as he walked away and shouted "IF YOU WERE BLACK, YOU'D BE DEAD!"... Its the only time in my life I wished I was Mr T..." - Dylan Moran

[DanWalker8 3]

" Oh hey jesus, you think everyone is equal eh? Here have this Cross " - a professor of mine

[Firebird 40]

"Gaah, killing the chat is NOT in my job description!  >.<" - bird of fire

[paperboy15 4]

"If we start restricting Miss USA’s right to party, the Taliban has won."

-Scott Adams

And there's this one too (I'm paraphrasing here...his blog site is down so I can't look it up right now...):

"I'm not sure of all the duties of the Miss USA, but I assume she represents the USA at the United Nations."

-Scott Adams

[screamingman12 30]

Apologies for bumping a dead thread, but:
I think I've had several dreams like this with me concluding with the exclamation "Did someone slip me something last night?"

-confused04

Or: looks like somebody is hitting the pipe too hard...

-ilikehotdogsalot

[Zelgadis 638]

"Money can't buy you happiness. But it can buy you a boat big enough to pull up along side it."

-David Lee Roth

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

"Well!"

Jack Benny.

[coolotter88 2]

actually the better yo momma's so fat joke would be

"yo momma's so fat, she lay on the beach and greenpeace came and pushed her out to sea"

[Inusion X 1]

You won't like it when I'm angry, because when I get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, and when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people DIE!!!

-Dr. Evil

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

My mailbag runneth over:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

-- Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet : If it tastes good, spit it out.

-- Anonomous

 

[ShortStraw 1]

Just saw this one on a "Demotivational" poster.  The writer wasn't credited...

"When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor."

[LarksTonguesInAspic 28]

If pro is the opposite of con, then isn't congress the opposite of progress?-unknown author

"This is Chicago...you can't beat fresh blood on the walls." - Richard Gere in Chicago

"You gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?" - Michael Madsen in Reservoir Dogs

"I'd rather go hunting with Dick Cheney, than go for a drive with Ted Kennedy" - bumper sticker

"...but those of you who have lost limbs, leave them here. They belong to me now." - Uma Thurman in Kill Bill 

" We both like talking...and not talking...we could talk or not talk for hours." - Jennifer Coolidge in Best In Show