Tell us your favourite jokes

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

The Russians at that time didn't have any food to spill.

 

There is a story about Lady Astor meeting Winston Churchill in Westminster Palace.  The Prime Minister was a little worse for drink.  Lady Astor said "Winston, you are drunk."  Churchill replied, "Madam, you are ugly.  Tomorrow I shall be sober."

[Wiimeiser 452]

Seen on Memebase:

 

 

Xbox One is still a better love story than Twilight.

 

Yes, but Twilight is a better console than Xbox One.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Anybody going to E3?  That should be joke enough for the rest of the year.

[Thande 10]

Please refrain from making blatantly hateful jokes which denigrate large groups of people in this forum.  This is not the place for it.

 

-NMUSpidey, sporting Moderator Blue

[The Avatar 1,089]

How do you catch a bus?

 

...with a really big baseball glove

[Cpt Johnny 58]

"Mary, name two pronouns."

"Who, me?"

"Correct."

 

Please refrain from making blatantly hateful jokes which denigrate large groups of people in this forum.  This is not the place for it.

 

-NMUSpidey, sporting Moderator Blue

 

Your joke got censored? Makes one wonder what on earth had you posted.

[ROFLyoshi 1,760]

"Mary, name two pronouns."

"Who, me?"

"Correct."

 

Please refrain from making blatantly hateful jokes which denigrate large groups of people in this forum.  This is not the place for it.

 

-NMUSpidey, sporting Moderator Blue

 

Your joke got censored? Makes one wonder what on earth had you posted.

It was simply unacceptable for this forum, we will leave it at that.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

This member making such off-colour jokes and remarks hasn't learned the definition of PG13.  Suspect he has not reached the ripe old age of 13.

 

Two proteins walk into a bar.  One says "I'd like a glass to H₂O".  The other says "I'd like a glass to H₂O too."  The first was refreshed and the second dissolved in his drink.

[Mudkest 29]

Another one:

"There are two kinds of people: one that can extrapolate from incomplete data..."

Best,
Maarten

thre are 10 kinds of people, those that understand binary and those that dont

Having had a Swiss girlfriend, the last one is definitely not true (well that was a lot of information you kiddies didn't need to know).

And Maarten, that was gold! Love it.

what? 2001, 2002, 2003?

 

---

 

Please, don't double post. Use the edit-button instead! Also, watch out with quoting posts that are already a tad older.

-timmie

[ROFLyoshi 1,760]

 

Having had a Swiss girlfriend, the last one is definitely not true (well that was a lot of information you kiddies didn't need to know).

And Maarten, that was gold! Love it.

what? 2001, 2002, 2003?

 

I'm not following.

[FreewayofFlight 41]

It's Friday, want to meet up Saturday and have a sundae?

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Two worms were fighting in dead Earnest.

[Cpt Johnny 58]

Where does Friday come before Thursday?

 

In the dictionary.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

 

Finding half a worm.

[Alejandro24 575]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

 

Finding half a worm.

 

Oh God .... that's because I cut the apple at the half before eating eat.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

How often does a Prussian Officer laugh at a joke?

 

Three times:

First, when he hears it to be polite.
Second, when someone explains it to him.
Third, when he get it.

[Cpt Johnny 58]

What is the longest word in the world?

 

Smiles or Smiled.

There is a mile between the first and last letter.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

    Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's willing to
pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop for lumber,
hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say "shop for," as
opposed to "obtain." This is the major drawback of home centers: they are
always out of everything except artificial Christmas trees.  The home center
employees have no time to reorder merchandise because they are too busy
applying little price stickers to every object -- every board, washer, nail
and screw -- in the entire store ...

    Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has a
replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the inside
of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the same way
that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at an electronic
calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of these sometime
around the middle of next week."
        -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

 

---

 

And on a humorous technical vein. 

 

(For those of us who are not programmers, one should probably skip this.)

 

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offence.
        -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5

At the time he said that, you could not write a proper structured program in COBOL (gotoless programming);  There was a general overhaul at the end of the 1990s and for all the code writing I've done in everything from assembler to C#, I still prefer COBOL for slinging strings around.  That's what it was built to do (keep data bases).  The easiest to code if you are an English speaker.  Dijkstra was Dutch.  Which would you rather code:

 

Add A to B giving C rounded on size error perform foobar.

 

or

 

int a, b, c; char *s[40];  // assume a, b, c have one virtual decimal point

try {

 

c = a + b;  // do the add.  If this produces an overflow error go at once to the catch sequence

s = itoa©;  //start working on the rounding.

switch (s[len]) {

case '0':

case '1';

case '2':

case '3':

case '4':

break;

default:   // five or more round up.

++c;

break;

}

}

catch arithoverflow {

foobar©;

}

 

 

There are probably errors in the C++ code since I didn't try to compile this, but you get the idea.  The main objection Dijkstra had to COBOL was that you can't write a compiler for it using an lr(k)¹ parser because COBOL is not a context free language.  The COBOL statement above looks like a declarative instruction until you get to the ON clause, when it becomes conditional.  Transition diagrams, not simple grammars, are required to handle this.

 

 

1 - lr(k) parser : a programming technique for finding tokens in a line of source code.  Only works if the language is context free (every statement is of only one type).

 

  Edited June 25, 2013 by A Nonny Moose  

[Cpt Johnny 58]

What kind of flower do you have between your nose and your chin?

 

Tulips.

[AkemiAzula 280]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

To get some KFC

[Cpt Johnny 58]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

To get some KFC

 

How about this: Why did the chicken enter a KFC restaurant?

 

To throw KFC out of business by selling itself.

[VicRusty 74]

Do you know that it says. There are the three world powers, Greece, Portugal and Spain.

Says Greece, we have made ​​a rocket going to Mars and back to Earth without refueling.
Says the Portuguese, we have overcome this!! we have made ​​a rocket going to Mars and then runs around other galaxies for 6 months.
And say Spanish, we have made ​​a rocket going to the Sun, and says the Portuguese, what do you say the Sun, the Sun? if nothing else approach it gets melt, and says the Spanish, what do you think, We've gone during the day or what dummy?

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Somehow, that one was lost in translation or grammar.

[timmie 988]

The point is that the Spanish are ridiculed (I guess it is a joke they tell in Catalunya?), because they think the sun doesn't shine 'at night'.

[Cpt Johnny 58]

A little boy runs into his house and asks, “Mom, can little girls have babies?”

The mom answers, “No, of course not.” The little boy runs outside, yelling, “It’s ok, we can play the game again!”

[VicRusty 74]

Yes, it's a bit hard to translate some jokes to English . Timmie, you got it!

 

Ok I'll try with another one:

 

One Catalan, one Basque and one Spanish goes on a boat, they sunk and  arrive to an island.

Some natives with spears pointing them tell them that they have to pick up 10 pieces of fruit or they will kill them.

 

Basque is the first to reach with 10 lemons. The natives with spears pointing back: "now you have to put it in your ass and if you do a gesture with your face, or you laugh, or cry of pain, DEATH!!!

The guy begins: 1,2,3,4 ... fifth hurts and he puts the face of pain, he get killed.

 

Then comes the Catalan with 10 cherries. They say, "now you have to put them in the ass, any gesture DEATH."

 

Start, ... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 ... And just when he was ready to put the tenth, he starts to laugh very loud.

 
The Basque and the Catalan meets in heaven and the Basque asks, "Why the hell have you started to laugh if you have been so close?" you could be alive ....

 

The Catalan replies: "I saw the innocent Spanish coming with 10 pineapples!!!!"

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Once upon a time in the distant past the native tribes of Canada lived in the forest on the maple syrup that was the sap of the maple trees.  The trickster noticed that they were getting fat and lazy with all this easy food, so he poured the waters of Gichee Gumee into the trees until the sap became almost as thin as water.  The tribes now had to work for their syrup by putting the sap in hollow logs with red hot rocks to boil the water out of the sap.  This was a lot of trouble until the white man came.

 

The white man traded the natives for furs and gave them pots.  It was now possible to boil the sap to get the syrup more easily.  But now the white man wanted to trade for the syrup and gave the natives firewater.  Do you suppose that the white man was an agency of the trickster?

[Cpt Johnny 58]

What did the dentist get for an award?

 

A plaque.

[ROFLyoshi 1,760]

I knew that before I clicked the spoiler...

[Cpt Johnny 58]

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

 

The teacher said, “Why are you arguing?"

 

One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

 

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was."

 

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.