Tell us your favourite jokes

[libellibicus 396]

I thought it was about time there was a thread for Jokes.
Here's a couple to start with:


What do you do if you see a Spaceman?
Park in it, man

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly

Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony

says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane

that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry

cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually

Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek

of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can

e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.

But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss

couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie

bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he peed in my pants, too."

  Edited May 29, 2013 by astronelson  
Cleanified what needed cleanifying - Astronelson

[ROFLyoshi 1,760]

Nice, but please keep em clean.

[Mr Saturn64 742]

Agreed

[Wiimeiser 452]

Here's one I made up:

 

 

How many Kyoukos does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two. One to eat the old one and the other to insert the new one with soundwaves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ten points to anyone who gets that.

[Bdub01 201]

Here's one I made up:

How many Kyoukos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to eat the old one and the other to insert the new one with soundwaves.

Ten points to anyone who gets that.

Well guess I ain't got ten points.

Lets go old school:

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool...? Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a wall...? Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt

[Alejandro24 575]

Here's one that I really like:

 

What is yellow and turns red when you press a button?

(¿Qué es amarillo, aprietas un botón y se hace rojo?)

 

 

A chick in a blender!

(¡Un pollito en una licuadora!)

 

  Will it blend? Of course: Yes.

 

In the OR, the doctor to the nurse:
-scalpel

-scalpel

-mascara

-mascara

-shadow here

-shadow there

-Make up, make up

-Nurse: doctor, she's dead.

-Oh yes, but she looks pretty beautiful.

 

Well, maybe you'll not understand this, maybe you'll need to listen the song Maquillate by Mecano, and the original joke is:

En el quirófano, el doctor a la enfermera

-Bisturí

-Bisturí

-Rímel

-Rímel

-Sombra aquí

-Sombra allá

-Maquíllate, Maquíllate

-Enfermera: Doctor ya se nos murió.

-Ay si, pero quedó bien guapa.

[Terring 6,476]

An old Greek joke
 
What is green and says you good morning?
 

????

The sidewalk!

 

Wait, the sidewalk is not green...

 

So it's says you good morning, right?

 

:rofl:

[libellibicus 396]

What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of Clowns?

Go for the Juggler

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

There once was a lady from Niger

Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.

They returned from the ride

With the lady inside

And the smile on the face of the the tiger.

 

Sorry, guys, one-liners don't compare to a good limerick.  Anyone know what comes after this?  There seem to be an infinite number of verses to this one.

 

There was an old man from Nantucket

Who kept all his dough in a bucket

But his daughter, named Nan,

Fell in love with a man.

And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

[Easy Bakes 253]

Is there an actual joke for the a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar set up?

or is that the joke?

[ROFLyoshi 1,760]

Is there an actual joke for the a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar set up?

or is that the joke?

I think it's sort of an anti-joke because it's a clear set up, as well as the implication that the punchline is politically incorrect.

Okay, here's one.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

He was hit by the first one.

Why did the third?

He thought it was a game and joined in.

 

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam were out fishing in a boat near the local wharf. 

 

The priest said, "'scuse me, fellows, I've got to go." and he got out of the boat, walked to shore and went to the head.  He came back a few minutes later and continued fishing.

 

The rabbi did the same thing a few minutes later, leisurely walking on the water to reach the pier.

 

The imam found himself in need, so he leaped out of the boat, and sank.  He nearly drowned before the others hauled him back into the boat.  The priest winked at the rabbi and said "Do you suppose we should show him where the stepping stones are?".

[Bdub01 201]

Is there an actual joke for the a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar set up?

or is that the joke?

I think it's sort of an anti-joke because it's a clear set up, as well as the implication that the punchline is politically incorrect.

Okay, here's one.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

He was hit by the first one.

Why did the third?

He thought it was a game and joined in.

I heard the same joke, only it was with squirrels. Not too many koalas in trees in the USA, or too many koalas period for that matter.

[MandelSoft 2,775]

OK, here's on of mine:

"Why are fire engines red?"

Pick an answer if you want to know...

Answer #1:

It's for fire camouflage

Answer #2:

Ever seen a blue fire engine? Thought so...

Answer #3:

OK, here's the deal:

• A fire engine has four wheels and five fire hoses.
• 4 times 5 equals 20.
• 20 Shillings go into an old British Pound.
• At the heads side of the pound is the Queen of England.
• England is surrounded by the sea.
• Fish swim in the sea.
• Fish have fins.
• Fins live in Finland.
• Finland borders Russia.
• Russia used to be communistic.
• The colour of communism is red.

... and that's why fire engines are red

 

Best,

Maarten

[Pinstar 13]

I bring my absolute favorte joke out whenever the topic of being bilingual is talked about. This requires at least one of the people in group you are talking to know both English and a 2nd language.

 

Me: Oh you know *foreign language* as well as English? Well I'll have you know that *I* know every single language in the world, except Greek.

Bi-lingual person: Oh really? *normally with some doubt in their voice*

Me: Absolutely. Go ahead! Try me!

Bi-lingual person: *says something in their other language*

Me: That's Greek to me!

 

It almost always gets a chuckle out of the group.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Then there is that old set of elephant jokes:

 

Q: Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?

A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

 

Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: N-No ...

 

Q: Works, doesn't it?

[libellibicus 396]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo'drizzle

[Bdub01 201]

Don't forget baby jokes...

Why did the baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken!!!

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Then there is the story of the African chief who was selecting a suitable mate for his son:

 

One girl was presented on a beautiful zebra hide; one on a lion skin; and the last on a couch of hippopotamus leather.

 

He selected the girl on the couch, and when asked why he replied, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides".

[MandelSoft 2,775]

OK, here's another good one:

Two men are at the bar in a tall skyscraper. One of them takes a shot of tequila, starts to run and jumps out of the window. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar again, unharmed. Then he takes another shot, jumps out of the window again, and walks into the bar again.

"How did you do that?", the other man asks.

"Well, it's very simple," the first man replied. "You take a shot tequila, you jump, start to fall, you keep on falling and just before you hit the ground, you slow down and stop."

"Aha," says the first man. He gives it a try. He also takes a shot tequila, jumps out of the window, falls, forgets to slow down and smashes into the ground,

on which the bartender says to the first man: "You're a jerk when you're drunk, Superman..."

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

But remember that Superman is able to leap only tall buildings with a single bound.  What if the building has a double bound?

Math Joke.

[libellibicus 396]

"Doctor, Doctor. I can't stop singing ' The Green, Green Grass Of Home '"

"It sounds like you're suffering from Tom Jones Syndrome"

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual"

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Watch it.  This site is rated PG13, and we like it that way.

[libellibicus 396]

What did Osama Bin Laden and General Custer have in common?

They both wondered where the hell all those Tomohawks were coming from

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

One bad thing about being a jaded old man is that most of the good jokes I know are not acceptable on this board.

 

Did you hear what happened when Forrest Gump died and presented himself at the Pearly Gates?

 

St. Peter told him that things were so crowded now that entry was only by examination and he would have to pass.

 

"OK", said Forrest.  "What's the first question?"

 

"What day's in the week start with T?"

 

"Easy," said Forrest.  "Today and Tomorrow".

 

St. Peter was taken aback.  He thought for an eon then said, "Well, I guess that's right.  Now how many seconds in a year?"

 

Forrest thought about that one for a while then said, "Twelve".

 

St. Peter was completely flabbergasted.  "How did you ever arrive at that?"

 

"Easy, January 2nd, February 2nd ...".  "Okay, Okay", yelled St. Peter.  "You are too smart for anything else on my list, go on in." opening the gates.

[ROFLyoshi 1,760]

Ha!

And one thing about being an immature 18 year old is also knowing rude jokes. Keeping in spirit with the PG rating though...

What is the difference between a (insert lower class sports team of your choice) fan and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

[olddan123456 4]

I apologize in advance....

 

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face"?. The horse replies, "My wife is a nag".

 

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop".

 

A baby seal walks into a bar and says, "I'll take a Canadian Club".

 

 

And a limerick (or two) for Nonny Moose:

 

There once was a lady from Hyde

who ate a green apple and died.

While her lover lamented

the apple fermented

and made cider inside her insides.

 

The minister with words was a master

but his driving was quite a disaster.

Ruining late one day

a young girl in his way

the pastor went faster and passed her.

 

Almost.

 

There once was a trucker named Lear

who drove his big rig far and near.

He slammed on his brakes

just a little to late

and pasted the pastor - oh dear.

[Gurning_Chimp 398]

Why is it called Oasis soup?

 

You gotta roll with it.

[libellibicus 396]

Reports are coming in of a break in at Arsenal FCs trophy room. Police are on the lookout for a man with a Red and White carpet.

[ROFLyoshi 1,760]

Some football humour:

Why can't you swim between the flags at St. Kilda?

Because they've only got one!

What's the only ship not to dock at Fremantle?

The premiership!