Tell us your favourite jokes

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Oh Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad
Why did you jump into the road?
You did not see the car ahead

And now you look like tire tread.

Oh Tom the toad! oh Tom the toad!

Why did you jump into the road?!

[KonstantinII 1,106]

You need to transport a fox, a hen, and a bag of grain across the river but in your boat you only have room for yourself and one of these items. What should you do? Take the hen with you on your first trip across the river. Then leave it there and return to the first bank empty handed. Take the fox with you to the other side and leave it there; then you take the hen back with you. Leave the hen on the first side and take the bag of grain to the other side. Leave it there and come back empty handed. After that you take the hen with you to the other side and you are done!

[MandelSoft 2,775]

It's easier than that:

1. Take the hen first

2. Return empty

3. Take the grain

4. Leave the fox on the other side. Where the heck did you need a fox for?

[ROFLyoshi 1,760]

I was going to say shoot the fox. They're an introduced pest where I live.

A redhead lived on a ranch. She had a blonde cousin not too far away who was supposed to be coming to pick up a bull that day.
The blonde had told her to telegram her when she was ready for the bull to be picked up.
At the telegram office, the redhead asked how much it was and the man said $1 a word.
The redhead only had $1 so she tried to think of a word that the blonde would understand to mean come and fetch the bull.
Finally, she typed the word Comfortable and told the man: ''She's blonde, she'll read it slow.'' COM - FOR - DA - BUL.

[Cpt Johnny 58]

Which has the higher IQ, latitude or longitude? 

 

Longitude; it's got 360 degrees.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Elizabeth, Elspeth, Betsy and Bess

Went to the woods to find a bird's nes'.

Found a nest with five eggs in't;

Took one a-piece and left four in it.

[Bdub01 201]

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!!!!

[KonstantinII 1,106]

 Where the heck did you need a fox for?

One of our most famous CJ members

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Bdub01 told 2/3 of a pun!  PU.

[MandelSoft 2,775]

Two students meet each other on the campus. One has a bike.

"Nice bike!" , says the other student. "Where did you get that"

"Well," says the first student. "I met this hot chick in town. She came on this bike, undressed right in front of me and said to me: 'take everything you want from me!'"

"Good choice," said the first student. "The dress would make you look stupid."

[Cobraroll 138]

A man was searching legal advice from a lawyer:

"How much do your services cost?"

"150 dollars for three questions."

"That much?!?"

"Yes. What is your third question?"

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
 

[Cpt Johnny 58]

.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

How does a civil servant wink?

Opens one eye.

[Cpt Johnny 58]

.

[The Avatar 1,089]

I've got a fresh batch straight from my grandfather, a master of corny jokes:

 

Person 1: What did Adam and Eve do when they were out of the Garden of Eden? They raised a little cain.

 

Person 2: Are you sure they were abel?

 

He really has a thing for blonde jokes: What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Along that line, what's the definition of a suicide blond?

Dyed by her own hand.

[Cpt Johnny 58]

.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

In the comic opera, The Pirates of Penzance, Frederick the pirate apprentice celebrates his 21st birthday and the end of his indenture to the pirate king.  He vows he will leave, and stamp out piracy.  Yet, by the second act, Frederick, the Slave of Duty, finds it his duty to rejoin the pirate band.  Why?

 

Frederick was born in leap-year on the 29th of February. He has lived 21 years, yet if we go by birthdays, he's only five and a little bit over. The indenture is until his 21st birthday.

This is an example of the Topsy-Turvy theme that runs through the G & S comic operas.

 

This has more plot than most TV series.

[Cpt Johnny 58]

.

[MandelSoft 2,775]

Hey, that's my joke!

See post #190:

Two students meet each other on the campus. One has a bike.

"Nice bike!" , says the other student. "Where did you get that"

"Well," says the first student. "I met this hot chick in town. She came on this bike, undressed right in front of me and said to me: 'take everything you want from me!'"

"Good choice," said the first student. "The dress would make you look stupid."

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Duplications are inevitable.  If this wasn't a PG13 site we could see how many verses of North Atlantic Squadron we all know.

 

Once upon a time in a far country in another time dimension, time-travel had just been invented.  Morrie Stein held up a bank in L.A. then hopped in his Tardis and scrammed off to New York arriving five minutes before the robbery.  He then went into his tailors and purchased a new suit.

 

When he was apprehended, he claimed notwithstanding the surveillance footage, he was in New York at the time of the robbery being measured for a new suit.  His tailor, of course, vouched for this.

 

The L.A. cops charged him anyway, and dragged him into an arraignment court.  The judge looked at all the circumstances and dismissed the charges.  His ruling was

"A niche in time saves Stein".

[Cpt Johnny 58]

Hey, that's my joke!

See post #190:

Two students meet each other on the campus. One has a bike.

"Nice bike!" , says the other student. "Where did you get that"

"Well," says the first student. "I met this hot chick in town. She came on this bike, undressed right in front of me and said to me: 'take everything you want from me!'"

"Good choice," said the first student. "The dress would make you look stupid."

 

Ok I'm sorry, I really didn't see your post.

 

Here's another one:

 

Is the Client Always Right?

 

A graphic designer on the phone with his client.

Designer: Hi. I’m just updating the copy for your form and was wondering if you meant to say “programs” for the third question.

Client: No! What I sent along was completely accurate. Just copy it over exactly as it says. I’ll explain it nice and slowly for you.

Designer: “Please indicate which pogroms you've attended”?

Client: Yeah, that should be programs.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

 

Cancel his credit card.

 

Later:

 

Why do real programmers not eat quiche?

 

Quiche is not available in vending machines at 3 a.m..

  Edited July 10, 2013 by A Nonny Moose  

[AkemiAzula 280]

What did the Bee say to the Queen?

 

Shouldn't you be living in Australia?

 

Why is the Sun round?

 

Because it's needed to heat the Earth

 

What do you call a chicken that likes video games?

 

Eggs Boxer

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Why is a programmer's coffee always cold?

 

Don't break my concentration now.

[Cpt Johnny 58]

.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

A music review from an old edition of the Boston Globe:

 

The Boston Symphony Orchestra played Brahms last night.

Brahms lost.

[timmie 988]

"Fog in Channel, Continent cut off"

 

A headline from a British paper. It is unclear if it is true or not true, but it is funny in both cases.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

    A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
house of seven gobbles.
 

---

 

A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
    "Hello?" his friend answers.
    "Hi!" says the man.  "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
    "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great!  I just sold a screenplay
for two hundred thousand dollars.  I've started a novel adaptation and the
studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it.  I also have a television
series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
I'm doing *great*!  How are you?"
    "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."