A public relations debacle has struck the office of Mayor Michael Nutter, originating from Squirrelton’s tiny bi-weekly newspaper The Squirrelton Inquirer. The paper recently began a column called “A Day in the Life Of…,” inviting various prominent town residents to share a typical day’s events with its readership. Naturally, Mayor Michael Nutter was the first guest columnist, jumping at the chance to easily improve his mayor rating by easy, “soft news” means. Unfortunately for Nutter, he accidentally sent The Squirrelton Inquirer the first draft he wrote, revealing a previously unknown side of the mayor- a side that holds the public with a certain amount of contempt and displays an alarming number of Machiavellian tendencies. The Squirrelton Inquirer’s editors published the draft. Predictable outrage followed. Seen below is the unabridged column:
A Day In the Life Of… Mayor Michael Nutter by Michael Nutter
5:30 a.m- I wake up with the proverbial early squirrel, long before any sheeple members of the industrious community of Squirrelton drag out their lazy hides rise from their slumbers.
10:00am- After reviewing press junkets, meeting with Monique Diamond, and spying on Marmot Hollow’s Mayor Nibbly via hidden tree-cams hiring a new clerk for the Accounting Department, I like to stroll along the river in order to get away from these idiots who surround me replenish my mind so that I may be a better steward to the beloved populace of Squirrelton.
12:00pm- Meet with Alderperson Pelosi-Groundsquirrel to discuss median income disparities in her District. She is incredibly annoying ceaselessly passionate about ensuring her reelection community thrives. At the meeting, I smile and pretend to listen listen earnestly.
3:30pm- Again, back out to the forest, home to many deer. How I wish the people of Squirrelton would go away but still pay me could likewise take frequent trips during the workday out here but they’d ruin it not get too much work done I suppose.
6:30 p.m.- As Squirrelton settles into evening, I revel in the electorate’s passive complacency the majestic beauty of the setting sun reflecting on the Bushy Tail River. I will read a few census reports to debrief and look forward to a night of heavy drinking penning my memoirs by the fireplace.
10:30pm- Another day done and finally I can drink my scotch while I craft plans to become dictator of Rodentia reflect on the deep love and pride I feel for Squirrelton. Being mayor is not enough a singular experience and I hope my destiny is to govern it for many years to come but as a wise man once said, “Fortune is a woman and if she is to be submissive it is necessary to beat and coerce her.” “With great power comes great responsibility.”
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