Where the Water of Life comes from
A Guided Tour to the Rehthal Whisky Distillery
The Characters
| Tour Guide: | broad-shouldered jocular tour guide
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| Ben: | visitor to Rehthal Whisky GmbH, easily getting into trouble
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| Jenny: | girlfriend of Ben, used to trouble
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| Visitors: | well, just visitors |
Scene One
| Ben: | Why the heck do we have to wait here? What do all those people do here? |
| Jenny: | Ben don’t make such a fuss. It’s OUR day today. |
| Ben: | But who is interested in whisky? I love beer. |
| Jenny: | Ben, don’t be unfair… |
| Tour Guide: | Howdy Guys! Howdy! Welcome to the Rehthal Distillery! I recon you all love whisky, eyhhh? |
| Ben (whispers to Jenny): | Me not. I am the beer-type. |
| Tour Guide: | Did you hear that? I thought I heard a hum in my ear! HaHa |
| Ben (whispers): | …bahh, whisky. Beer is it. |
| Tour Guide: | There it is again! I swear someone just said “beer”. Be advised: do NEVER use that evil B-word in this holy place. HaHaHa. |
| Jenny: | Ben, now shut up. |
| Tour Guide: | The “Rehthal Whisky GmbH” is one of the oldest and finest distilleries in the Simnation. It is set beautifully between the haunting castle ruin Gruneburg, that you can see to your right, and this dark romantic woods.
Rehthal Whisky is little changed since 1887, when William Rehthal and his nine children rolled up their sleeves to build this distillery with their bare hands. These same silent warehouses and steamy mash rooms produce one of the nation’s most distinguished single malt Simmish whiskys today. |
Scene Two
| Tour Guide: | Now we come to the whisky stills. And please remember, girls and boys, that our whisky is four times distilled, not only twice or three times like those evil, clueless Scots and Irish do. HaHaHa. |
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| Ben (whispers): | Jenny, “Rehthal is the best whisky ever made”, I get it! Can we now go and have a beer please? |
| Tour Guide: | QUIET! – Did I hear the evil B-word? HaHaHa |
| Ben (loud): | Beer, beer, beer. |
| Tour Guide: | What is your name, young man? |
| Ben: | Me? I am Ben, with a “B” like in “beer”! |
| Tour Guide: | Ben, see that open door in the corner over there? Would you please go and close it – but be sure to do it from the other side! HaHaHa
Where was I…Ahh… Here you can see the stills and the huge smoke pipe that is needed to give life to the fire and to “The” whisky. |
Scene Three
| Tour Guide: | […tiresome, over-the-top marketing schmaltz…] |
| Ben: | I have a question, Sir. |
| Tour Guide: | …an empire for a Rehthal whisky…Ahh, our young yellow-water-drinker has a question. HaHaHa |
| Ben: | How come your whisky is called “Simmish”? |
| Tour Guide: | No special reason, only that “Simean” sounds a bit weird, don’t it? HaHaHa |
| Jenny: | Please, Ben! He will kick you out of the tour. |
| Ben: | At least “Simean” would (phonetically) include the effect your whisky has. HeHeHe.
I say: let’s go get a beer. |
| Tour Guide: | Young man, I showed you the door. Go with God – but go.
OK gents, let’s go on with our tour: These wooden casks are then stored on-site in our traditional warehouses, and the spirit is left to mature. The atmospherically dark, damp interior of the warehouse and the temperature, humidity and climate of this environment provide optimum conditions for maturing the best quality Simmish whiskies. It is here that the Rehthal spirit acquires its distinctive, well-balanced character. |
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Scene Four
| Tour Guide: | And now we come to the most important stop on our dive into making the world’s best whisky: the gift shop. HaHaHa.
Choose one of our four award winning brands: |
| Tour Guide: | Young Man, what was your name again? Ahh, Ben. |
| Ben: | Yes? |
| Tour Guide: | What would you rather be without if you should choose? Whisky or a woman? |
| Ben: | I’d say: It all depends on years / vintage! |
| Jenny: | Hmmpf |
| Tour Guide: | HaHaHa. Good one.
Let’s go on to the last part of our journey. Where does all the whisky go? Well at Rehthal we produce 10.000 boxes of whisky a year. That is not much, but, girls and boys, it is the famous Simmish four-times distilled Rehthal Whisky. Actually we handle all transports by lorry. They go from here through the lovely small township of Grunen down the road to the south. All our drivers are said to stop in the middle of the romantic forest at the “Whisky-Inn”, a couple of houses featuring a small bar. Don’t know what the reason for this stop is. Perhaps this round copper thing has something to do with it. HaHaHa |
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| Tour Guide: | The whisky boxes are then delivered to our warehouse in Zweifingern and are shipped out into the world from the small ferry pontoon right vis-à-vis the warehouse. |
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| Tour Guide: | And now, boys and girls, buy, buy, buy. We have everything you want!
Don’t miss our exciting new range of Rehthal gift packages and accessories, which includes premium quality jumpers and dummies for your very small whisky bon vivants. |
| Ben: | Ahh, if this is a store, can I please have a beer? |
| Tour Guide: | [loses his composure] |
Now, let us stop at this very special moment of the small tour we were participating in. And let us cover the upcoming scene with the coat of love.
I hope all of you enjoyed reading about the distillery tour as much as I enjoyed writing it. Stay tuned – the next entry is in work.
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