WHY OH WHY must daytime television be so LAME?!
Based on a true story... from today!
The Schulmanator is trying to pass a hot summer's day, hiding from the peak heat and humidity. What better way to do so than to watch some television?
But, to his utter dismay... there's NOTHING WORTH WATCHING! I know you've been there, haven't you? 500 channels and nothing's on. Who's behind this dastardly and most fiendish plot?
The media, of course! Let's see how this travesty unfolded:
At Laymo Broadcasting (LBN) corporate headquarters, the head honchos decreed that the weekday afternoon lineup consist of the following:
Title: Did He Pass The Bar?
Genre: Comedy
A boxing kangaroo who speaks only in riddles befriends a Supreme Court judge. Stars Alicia Silverstone and Rosanne Barr.
Title: The Really, Really Odd Couple
Genre: Movie of the Week
An accountant penning a novel is sucked into another dimension along with an Olympic gymnast who's a mannequin come to life. Stars F. Murray Abraham and Paul Giamatti.
At Re-Run Television (RTV)'s office, someone decided that you really wanted these gems to brighten your weekday afternoons:
Title: Nancy Drew and The Case of the Haunted Freezer
Genre: Action
A talking refrigerator without any shame enlists the help of a socialite with no spine. Stars Christopher Lloyd and Corey Feldman.
Title: Elphay Emay!
Genre: Movie of the Week
An opera singer who was a hero for a day enlists the help of a city planner who only speaks in pig latin. Stars Carl Malden and John C. Reilly.
You thought THOSE were bad? Hit the remote and see what else you get...
On the next channel up, NRSC (Nauseating Reality Show Channel) has dished up a little something just for us:
Title: Stealing Bases
A district attorney who is secretly a werewolf befriends a lifeguard who manages a semi-pro baseball team. Stars Joe Pantoliano and Kevin Spacey.
Title: So You Think You Can Trot?
A philanthropist who is a former child star enters a dance competition with a geometry teacher who talks to animals. Stars Michael Rapaport and Missy Elliot.
Title: The Apprentice v 2.0
A former president with a pet chimpanzee competes for a prime job against a logger who talks to animals. Stars Dolph Lundgren and Bob Hoskins.
OK, I give up... there's absolutely nothing worth watching! Mom is right. Turn off the TV and go outside.
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