Tell us your favourite jokes

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

What goes on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening.

This is the riddle of the sphinx.  The answer is man.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

The ark lands after The Flood.  Noah lets all the animals out.  Says he, "Go
and multiply."  Several months pass.  Noah decides to check up on the animals.
All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.  "What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.  Noah follows
their advice.  Several more weeks pass.  Noah checks on the snakes again.
Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.  Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
the trees helped?"  "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
logs to multiply."

 

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
its species, managed to trap them in a corner.  The children cowered,
terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
Save us!  Save us!  We're scared, Mother!"
    Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valour of a parent protecting its
children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
proud.  The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
    As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
you saved us!" and "Yay!  You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
language?"

 

[Fantozzi 4,067]

[first time in my life I try to tell a joke in english - and without using my hands and facial expressions]

Some time ago in the amazon jungle there was a christian missionary. One day young Powhatan came to him and said: "Me, padre, want be christian too."

So the missionary took a bowl of water and began the holy procedure: "In the name of the Father ..." and trickled some water on Powhatans head.

And then the he said, "Now as you're a christian you have to carry a christian name and therefore you'll be called Pedro from now on. And as a good christian you'll have to do as I taught you. And on friday you don't eat meat anymore, Only fish." 

And Powhatan, who was now Predo, delighted got up from his knees and went home, proud to be a christian from now on.

Next friday the missionary thought, let's have a look if Pedro unterstood what I said to him, and went over to Pedros hut.

He opened the door and there they were sitting, the whole family, and on the table half of a juicy boar and they were eating.

The missionary got angry: "Pedro! You didn't listen! You didn't do as I told you!"

Poor Pedro starred with eyes wide open at the missionary and responded: "Is not true, padre. Petro do as told. Pedro take water. Pour over boar and Pedro say - boar, you be christian food from now on and therefore name is fish." 

 

 

[Ocram's Razr 964]

My favorite joke last week was the RNC! Fox News became a 24/7 comedy channel (usually it only has comedians at night). The biggest clown around is Donny JT!

[LironTheChick 20]

No eggplant and penguin joke from Orange Is The New Black?

[Fantozzi 4,067]

Last summer a friend of mine - a tall blond german guy - came to me and asked if I would make company as he wanted to travel to Norway.

"Why Norway?" I asked.

And he responded there's a small village north of Molde where he can get a Viking Diploma.

"A what?" I asked. But he was totally serious and convinced he could become a true viking.

Well, why worry about him, I thought, this could be even fun, so I took up the road with him to the northwest of Norway.

Finally we found this small village in the middle of the wilderness and I stood deeply impressed as it consisted of view wooden huts and the people there with red beards were wearing helmets with horns ... well everything was looking like an ancient viking settlement.

My friend immediatly found the chieftan - a man of the same width as his height (roundabout 6x6 feet) - and said:

"I want to become a viking Sir, what do I have to do?"

The Viking chieftain took a long look on my long blond german friend and then he replied:

"Don't worry. To become a true viking is quite easy. You have to performe three simple tasks."

Again a long silence (how I hate those unnecessary dramatic effects from authorities - the same with police officers they stop you in your car and then they make this dramatic breaks too until they tell you why they stopped you).

"First you have to drink a bottle of vodka to down."

"Second you have to go into the forrest and kill a bear."

"And third you have to rape a woman."

 

"And that's all. Then you are a true viking. Understood?"

And the viking chieftain handed a bottle of vodka to my friend and asked again: "Understood?"

And suddenly my friend jelled: "Absolutely, Sir!" and without hesitation he emptyed the bottle, burped loudly, and without looking left nor right he ran straight into the deep woods.

The days went by. I became used to the living of the vikings, sleeping amongs them on heavy furs, sitting with them around the fireplace. But I began to worry about my friend. What the hell he was doing? Was he still alive?

And then ... on the fourth day he suddenly stood in the village square. He was looking awfull. His face, his breast, his arms were covered with deep scratches, his clothes haggled and riven, blood everywhere.

"What happened?" I asked him? But he didn't even notice me. instead he turned towards the viking chieftain and jelled in madness: "Accomplished, Sir! So now - tell me, where can I find that woman I shall kill?"

 

 

 

[madhatter106 3,905]

A man was housesitting for a friend who had gone on a two-week vacation abroad.  A few days into the task, he returns to the house to find that his friend's cat has died.  That evening the phone rings, and the man answers it; it's the homeowner on the line.  After a few minutes of chit-chat about the vacation, the man inquires about his cat.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but when I came home a little bit ago, I found your cat dead," the housesitter replies.

"What?  That's terrible!" exclaims his friend.

"I know, I know, I'm so sorry," the other says.  "I wish I hadn't told you."

"Exactly!" his distraught friend says.  "Now I'll be on the rest of this vacation, and all I can think about is how I'll never see my beloved cat again.  I won't be able to enjoy all the sights or sample the exotic cuisine, or rest or relax without thinking about my poor cat.  My vacation is ruined!"

"I'm so sorry," the housesitter says.

"Why couldn't you have lied to me?  Why couldn't you have just said something like, oh, I don't know, 'I don't know where the cat is right now' or 'the cat is on the roof,' or something like that?  And then when I came back to the house, then you could have told me?"

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that," the housesitter says.  "I suppose you're right.  I'm sorry that this has put a damper on your vacation."

"Ah well," the homeowner says, with a heavy, melancholy sigh.  "I guess I'll manage.  By the way, how is my grandmother doing?"

After a long pause, the housesitter says, "well, you're grandmother is on the roof..."

[Fantozzi 4,067]

Normally I use this thread to practice my english, but to be true - this one is just copy and paste:

 

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

"Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the man of the rabbi.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"What did he say?" asked the man.

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

[SIM-ple Jack 17,447]

   A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What's wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[MI Explorer 19]

Q: What is the difference between Donald Trump and a flying pig?

A: The letter F.

(Get it? Flying pig)

[kSlank 146]

what do you call a bear with no teeth?

Spoiler

a gummy bear

 

[SIM-ple Jack 17,447]

[kSlank 146]

"Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know." -Kramer

[Han Solo 34]

This joke relies on how it's delivered. When you tell it to someone, you should just say it as a single sentence, without pauses, like so-

Quote

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing?

Then when they look at you nonplussed or say "I don't know, what is the difference?", you repeat the same line but with the proper timing.

Quote

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?... Timing.

 

[SimRico 968]

I get it!!!!