Tell us your favourite jokes

[ROFLyoshi 1,760]

^ don't know. Do they use zlotys in Zimbabwe?

Hardy har har.

[MandelSoft 2,775]

They wished they used Zlotys in Zimbabwe. Because their current currency is only good to wipe your behind after going to the bathroom...

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Remember when the Brazilian Cruziero was worth about the same?  This is actually a cycle in the money fantasy that can be corrected over time.

 

---

 

My favourite joke:  Money.

[libellibicus 396]

3 football fans are lost in the Sahara desert, when they stumble across the decaying carcass of a dead Camel.

The Scouser says "Well, as I support Liverpool I'll eat the Liver"

The Scotsman says "As I support Hearts I'll have the Heart"

The cockney says "I support Arsenal, but I've lost my appetite"

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

[libellibicus 396]

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high class area with no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured edges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Bobbie... "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
    "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
why did you Di......eeee"
The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
    "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
carrying on at this grave.  You must have been very close to the deceased."
    "No, I never met him.  Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
why....eeeee did you.."
    "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
Tell, me who is buried here?"
    "My wife's first husband."
 

[Wiimeiser 452]

Can a car tune?

 

No, but Annie May.

 

 

 

Munchkins:

 

Fave Touhou Character
Real Men: like Murasa. She’s manly… right?
Real Role-players: Have trouble deciding
Loonies: like Sekibanki (of course)
Munchkins: like Ronald McDonald. Hey, isn’t this music from McRoll?


Fave Touhou Game
Real Men: Highly Responsive to Prayers, because the bosses are manly, plus you can kick!
Real Role-players: prefer fangames
Loonies: play anything on Lunatic
Munchkins: repeatedly die on Icicle Fall - on Easy mode

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Are hens ever men-pecked?

 

---

 

    When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
    "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
 

[MandelSoft 2,775]

Can a car tune?

 

No, but Annie May.

Can a match box?

No, but a tin can!

(first or second question of the Impossible Quiz)

[Wiimeiser 452]

I just noticed something.

 

 

EA is pronounced the same as iei...

 

An iei (遺影) is a portrait of a deceased person commonly seen at Japanese funerals, either on display or carried by a family member. They are distinguishable by their frames, which are typically wrapped on both the left and right top corners - often with a bow in the center.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Found this in my quotes data base this morning.  I think it belongs here.  Gave me a belly laugh.

 

I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves.
        -- August Strindberg
 

[The Avatar 1,089]

More Chemistry jokes incoming!

 

Why is Francium called Francium?

It's most likely to

surrender an electron.

 

Chemist 1: "Hey, where are you going with all that element 83?"

 

Chemist 2: "It's none of your bismuth."

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Bad as the two guys who walked into a bar.  The first said "Give me a glass of H₂O"; and the second said, "I'll take a glass of H₂O too".  The first was refreshed, but the second died in agony on the bar stool.

 

---

 

Why are many scientists using lawyers for medical
experiments instead of rats?

    a)  There are more lawyers than rats.
    b)  The scientist's don't become as
         emotionally attached to them.
    c)  There are some things that even rats
        won't do for money.
 

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

"Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun.  And when it
disintegrates, it disintegrates.  (pulls trigger)  Well, what you do know,
it disintegrated."
        -- Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century
 

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
 

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
        -- R. S. Barton
 

[AkemiAzula 280]

Bus Driver: Correct change, please

Passenger: I've only got a five pound note, Sir

Bus Driver: That's okay, Sir

Passenger: Eh? But I thought you said 'correct change'?

Bus Driver: Yes, and five pounds is how much it'll cost you to get to the State Mint

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
 

[libellibicus 396]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road outside the houses of parliament. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocked on the window.

The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all the MP's in the houses of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million pounds ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."...

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?"

The man replied, "Roughly a gallon

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

I'll donate a gallon but only if it is used on the PMO.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
swank hotel in New York.  Most of the major stars of the chess world were
there, and after a gruelling day of chess, the players and their entourages
retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment.  In the lobby,
some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
fastest, and the best chess player in the world.  The argument got quite
loud, as various players claimed that honour.  At that point, a security
guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 

[timmie 988]

"Bastards"

 

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Q:    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
 

[ROFLyoshi 1,760]

"Bastards"

What did I just watch?

[timmie 988]

 

"Bastards"

 

What did I just watch?

 

 

'Vaneigens', in English: 'that speaks for itself', which was a sketch played everyday at the end of the program 'Man Bijt Hond' ('man bites dog') during 1997 and 1998. It has become a bit of a legendary program in Flanders, since then.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
        -- Johnny Carson
 

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today --
I think he's from the CIA.
 

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

    "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
    "Oh, yeah?  What's he look like?"
    "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and paper boots."
    "What's he wanted for?"
    "Rustling."

[AkemiAzula 280]

EA: Hey everyone, we're making a new Simcity - Simcity 6!

Fans of Simcity: Does it have bigger maps?

EA: No, but in order to start a new city you have to unlock fifteen achievements, add fifty friends and pay us a subscription with a minimum ten year contract, and we won't promise to keep the servers running. Maps will be a hundred yards by a hundred yards in size, and will fit at least five houses.

[A Nonny Moose 8,262]

The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
and tourist handouts.  This bear has learned to open car doors in
Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
of thousands of dollars a year.  Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
 

Yabba-dabba-doo