Jokes Thread

[huskerman007 26]

Post jokes you have here please follow the rules.

[silverlightning81 1]

maybe you would want to post the rules too....to make sure everyone would follow them...

 

PRESIDENTS ON AIR FORCE ONE

Five presidents are on the Air Force One: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, I will make someone happy! and throws a dollar bill off the plane.

Then Abraham Lincoln says, I will make five people happy! and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, I will make 500 people happy! and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then George W. Bush says, I will make the whole world happy! and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.

 

[EAGCE 2]

[bEGINQUOTE]

4/25/2004 11:45:11 AM[/quoteDATE]

silverlightning81[/quoteAUTHOR]

Then George W. Bush says, 'I will make the whole world happy!' and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.

[/quoteMESSAGE][/bEGINQUOTE]

Ummm....  I think you should switch Bush and Clinton.  that would make me happy.

[Duke87 1,070]

Three men are on a small chartered airplane when one of the engines starts sputtering. The pilot tells them they each need to throw some of their baggage off. The first guy throws off a baseball bat. The second guy throws off a crowbar. the third guy throws off a hand grenade. When they land, the first guy comes acrossa kid crying and asks him why. The kid says that his friend was killed by a baseball bat that fell from the sky. The second guy comes across another kid crying, and asks him why. the kid says that his friend was killed by a crowbar that fell from the sky. the third guy comes across a kid laughing and asks him what's so funny. The kid says I farted and my house blew up!

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Bill Clinton and a priest die at the same time, but due to a mix-up, the priest ends up in hell, and Bill Clinton ends up in heaven. A few days later, they correct the problem, and the priest, walking into heaven says, 'Oh, i've always wanted to meet the virgin mary! Bill Clinton, on his way out, grins at him and says You're about a day too late

-------------------------------------------

Three guys are standing on top of the Empire state building. One of them mentions, You know, the air currents up here are so strange that you could jump off and hover in the air for several seconds before floating gently back here. The second guy says no way, show me!. So the first guy jumps, hovers in the air, and floats back down. The second guy, bewildered, says, No way, do that again!, so the first guy does it again. The second guy says, okay, I'm convinced. He jumps off, but to his surprise, he falls to his death. The third guy turns to the first guy and says, Superman, sometimes you're a real jackass!

[capt_enigma 6]

Q: Why the dog is known as Man's Best Friend?

A: Because he gives no advice, never tries to borrow money and has no
In-Laws.

[silverlightning81 1]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten
apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The
second one replied, I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples.

[The Carlster 0]

hahah!! the joke on top is sooo funny!!

[Isaac_Newtown 0]

Question:

 

How many Women does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Answer:

 

* One, to notice that the light doesn't work.

 

* One, to find a Man to report it to.

 

* One, female Elecrician: to be instructed to fix it, by the Man.

 

* One, female Trainee Electrician: to go fetch a new bulb.

 

* One, extra female helper: to hold the ladder.

 

* One, extra female helper: to hold the female Electricians hem down, whilst up the ladder.

 

* One, extra female helper: to go fetch the coffees and rolls.

 

* One, extra female helper: to check every ones 'Hair and Make Up', and guard the tool box.

 

* One, extra female helper: to check if anyone is suffering from PMS/PMT, and will become giddy during the operation.

 

* One, extra female helper: to guard all the handbags, and field all the gossip from passers by.

 

* Six, extra female helpers: to pick up the Ladder with the female Electrician on it, and rotate the lot, in order to twist the new bulb into its lamp holder.

 

* And finally, one extra female helper: to flip the light switch, to check if the whole operation was successful.

The Grand Total equals: Seventeen.

The Final Answer is: It takes a whole 'Brood of Women' (Hens)  to change a light bulb.

 

No, i didn't write it. Honest, it wasn't me. Really, you should ask him. I'm sure he must be the one!

 

[Maybe] By: Phil E. Ment.

[K_m_H 0]

An American man is on a vacation in England. He is driving a car on a road outside London, listening to the radio. Suddenly he hears a traffic message:
Attention all drivers we have got in reports of a car driving on the wrong side of the road.

-ONE car says the man.. I have seen atleast 100.

[masher 3]

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1.      You live in the center of the universe
2.      Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3.      You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4.      There's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist
5.      Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6.      Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly
         believe it's a cool city
7.      The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8.      MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV
        for a dollar
9.      Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of
        your house
10.     Mike Harris:  basically a sober Ralph Klein

[Duke87 1,070]

*What do you call a vegetarian with Diarrhea?- a salad shooter.

*What's Black and White and Red all over?- an interracial couple in a car wreck.

*What do you call a blonde that dyes their hair?- artificial intelligence

*How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?- both of them

*How do you stop a polish army on horseback?- turn off the carousel

*What do you call a limbless man in a river?- Bob

*What do you call a limbless man in a pile of leaves?- Russel

*What do you call a limbless man at the bottom of an outhouse?- John

*What do you call a limbless man in a rapper's hand?- Mike

*What do you call a limbless man by your front door?- Matt

*What do you call a limbless man holding a car up?- Jack

*What do you call a limbless man in an envelope?- Bill

*What do you call a limbless man run over by a steamroller?- Mark

*What do you call a limbless woman covered in sugar?- Candy

*What do you call a limbless woman on a snail's back?- Shelly

*What do you call a limbless woman on a hamburger?- Patty

 

 

[nosoupforyou 9]

A man goes up to a rabbi and asks,

oh rabbi, please help me. my life has gone down the drain. i'm afraid if i make the descision on what to do next, it will be the wrong one. can you help me?

the rabbi replies

well, what i do when i need advice, is open the torah, close my eyes, and point to a random spot. whatever it says there is what i do

the man thanks the rabbi and asks to borrow a torah. he says he will return it the next day.

the next day the rabbi hears a loud honk while practicing hebrew,

he goes outside and the man is sitting in a golden ferrari, covered in jewlery.

the rabbi says

OY! how did you get so rich?

the man replies

i just did what you told me to, and it worked!

but what did you point to?

asked the rabbi.

chapter 11

said the man.

[oldfart 12]

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this and lived to be ninety-three. When he died, he left fourteen children, twenty-eight grandchildren, thirty-five great-grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the ceiling of the funeral home.

[Zeddic 3]

How do you put a giraffe into a fridge? Open the fridge's door and put it in.
OK then, how do you put an elephant into a fridge? Simple. Open the fridge's door, take the giraffe out and put elephant in.
Giraffe and elephant are running to meeting of all animals. Which one is first there? The giraffe, because elephant is still in fridge.
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Bill Gates dies. He can choose if he wants to go to heaven or to hell. First he looks into hell. He sees beach babes playing volleyball. Then he looks into heaven. He sees only few angels floating here and there. He chooses to go to hell. He goes in, but sees now only empty, hot, place. Hey, what's this?! Where did the girls go? He gets answer: You should've known it was only a demo!
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How about those?

[alt+tab 2]

So a panda walks into a restaurant and orders everything...

When it comes time to pay the waiter asks,And how will you be paying today?

The panda gets up, and shoots him

As the panda is walking out the door, the manager comes up to him and says,Why are you doing this?

The panda says to him, Look up panda in the dictionary!

 

So the manager looks in the dictionary and finds that the description says:

 

Panda: n. (Pan-da) : Eat shoots and leaves....

[ert90 8]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?




















fffffsssssssshhhhhhhh Yea, I know.

[DuskTrooper 314]

< insert joke here >

[iguana_labrat 0]

3 women die and go to heaven. When they arrive St. Peter says
there's only 1 rule: don't step on the ducks.

So sure enough, they enter heaven to find ducks everywhere. So the first lady accidentally steps on a duck first thing. St. Peter comes along with a very ugly man. as a punishment for stepping on the ducks, you will spend eternity chained with this man.

The next day the second lady steps on a duck. St. Peter gives the same punishment. The third lady, watching all this, decides to be very careful with the ducks. She goes for months on end until St. Peter comes along with a very handsome man. He chains them together and leaves without a word. The lady says I wonder what I did to deserve being chained for eternity to you.
so the man replies I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!

The Labrat!

[RaccoRVA 3]

A man wants to start a chicken farm.
He goes to the farmer and orders ten chicks.
The next morning they are all dead, so he goes back and orders twenty chicks.
The next morning they are all dead again, so he goes back and orders thirty.
This goes on for about a month, until finaly the man comes in and looks at the farmer. i think i know why they are all dieing he says. i think that i am planting them to deep.

[Constantina 5]

Here is one:

I think I need a breath of fresh Air... Jane Eyre Air!

Hold on, it's Jane Air (Eyre)!

[cokeman1 0]

1 day a man comes across a magic lamp, ao he rubs it and a genie comes out

the genie says "i will grant u 3 wishes, but whatever u get your wife gets double"

the man says "i want a new car"

genie says "ok your wife gets double"

the man "i want a new house"

genie "ok, your wife gets 3 new houses"

the man "ok, now i want to be beaten half to death"

and his wife gets beaten to death

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3 men are lost adrift at sea, then they find an island and go on it, where they get captured by natives

the natives say "u all get 2 choices, u can be killed or u can get a noogadooga"

1st man "whats noogadooga, o well i guess ill choose that"

so the natives beat him up than let him go

the 2nd guy "so its just a beating, well its better than being killed, i choose noogadooga"

so he gets beaten then is set free

the 3rd guy "ouch, that looks like it hurt,i rather die"

the natives "very well then, death...by noogadooga"

[JanYpe 17]

This is from 2004. Where did you even find this? Anyway, jokes can go in off topic.