What's the funniest quote?

[coolotter88 2]

shouldn't the bumper sticker say

"I'd rather go hunting with Dick Cheney, than go for a drive with Ted Kennedy"

a fun fact, the woman who died in that accident lived in my town.

[LarksTonguesInAspic 28]

Oops... you are correct and it has been edited.

[Ferrariguy1000 43]

"the B-52 is extremely accurate, it always hits the ground"

heck no! It's bombs hits the ground, but only 1 or 2 hit the target! (learned it from Call of Duty 4)

[Wrightguy0 40]

Madam, I may be drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly- Winston Churchill

Most of our imports come from overseas- Dubya

[Nerd_Guy 4]

Originally posted by: Ferrariguy1000 "the B-52 is extremely accurate, it always hits the ground"

heck no! It's bombs hits the ground, but only 1 or 2 hit the target! (learned it from Call of Duty 4)quote>

 

A:  There are no B-52's on CoD4 (I'm a fanboy)

B:  B-52's rarely ever miss, except with cluster bombs or dumb bombs

Anyways,

"Spider Poison is people poison?" --Homer J. Simpson

[Streetwise 3]

"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is" - Bubba

"Individuality is fine, as long as we all do it together" - Frank Burns, M*A*S*H

Me to one of my instructors: "I have a new girlfriend, and she hugs me twice: The first time when we meet, and the second time when we part".

My instructor: "I have someone like that, too: my wife".

Me: Yes, but in your case, I suspect it's just force of habit".

[NMUSpidey 3,956]

"That's a nice outfit. Did your husband make it for you?"

Man, most of my favorite funny quotes need context...

[Ferrariguy1000 43]

Originally posted by: Nerd_Guy

Originally posted by: Ferrariguy1000 "the B-52 is extremely accurate, it always hits the ground"

heck no! It's bombs hits the ground, but only 1 or 2 hit the target! (learned it from Call of Duty 4)quote>

 

A:  There are no B-52's on CoD4 (I'm a fanboy)

B:  B-52's rarely ever miss, except with cluster bombs or dumb bombs

Anyways,

"Spider Poison is people poison?" --Homer J. Simpsonquote>

no, no, no! you know, when you die, it shows a quote, I learned that quote, and the bombs are used for carpet bombing.

[Nerd_Guy 4]

Oh, I understand.  You meant the quote, sorry about that lol!
B-52's can be armed with nearly any weapon in our arsenal, from cluster bombs to crusie missiles and nukes, it all works.

[Explodingsims 3]

"ELVIS IS DEAD" -Weekly World News

[NMUSpidey 3,956]

Originally posted by: Explodingsims "ELVIS IS DEAD" -Weekly World Newsquote>

Oh man, impossible to top that.

[thejason 0]

This quote is funny only in its accuracy:

"Soccer is a gentlemanly game played by beasts. Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen. Football is a beastly game played by beasts."

Okay, it's not that funny, but I like it. (I can't remember who said this.)

[thejason 0]

When Winston Churchill adressed a French audience sometime after World War II, he intended to talk about the two distinct past periods of his life (I think they were pre-war and during the war). Speaking in french, he said to them:

"When I look at what is behind me, I can see that it is divided into two equal parts."

In essence, Winston Churchill was describing his buttocks to the thousands assembled.

(I am recounting this story totally from memory, which is why it is full of vaguities. i may have seen it on the History Channel.)

[Duke87 1,070]

The following quotes are all my own. I've started storing personal quotes in an rtf file:

A dishonest person will be told not to do something, agree not to do it, and then go and do it anyway.

An honest person will be told not to do something, say "Screw you! I'm gonna do it anyway!", and then go and do it anyway.*quote>

The Hell Gate Bridge- so aptly named because if you venture under it, you're heading toward The Bronx.quote>

The Fourth of July is about three things: having a day off, barbecuing, and setting off fireworks- all of which together are symbolic of America as a nation: the day off symbolizes our laziness, the barbecue symbolizes our obesity, and the fireworks symbolize our tradition of bombing things.quote>

Every time something is changed to be politically correct, god calls a small African American person a "Black Midget".quote>

Control tower, we have an emergency. The northbound 4:55 topic express has derailed.quote>

*this one is not completely verbatim. Where it says "screw you" it originally said something else which I can't repeat here.

....and then there's a couple more which I can't post here, period. Which is a shame, because they're the two best ones.

Like I said before, the problem with threads like this on forums that have rules is that the best and funniest quotes tend to be the raunchiest and most off color ones. A joke needs some degree of shock value to really pack the strongest punch.