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Showing results for tags 'all hail buggula!'.
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Chapter 0.5: Bow Down to BuggUla In the beginning, there were four. The Republic of Jerkola, Smirkistan, Buggland and the Ula Empire. All four states were engaged in constant warfare to establish hegemony over the continent. The first to fall was Jerkola. Buggland mobilized battalion after battalion of armored dung beetles, who easily rolled to victory over the outnumbered and outgunned Jerks. As the vanquished population begged for mercy, King Bugg assured them “We Love You!” The Jerks were relieved and welcomed their new leader, opening up their towns to his soldiers and preparing for a new life under Buggland. The fools! After Infestation Centers were completed in every town, the locals were rounded up and wrapped in sticky silk. All surviving jerks were then liquefied and consumed by King Bugg, who lorded over the mayhem with a self satisfied smirk. As he slurped up the victims from his regal mug, he swished each around in his mouth. When completed, he let out a mighty belch. Meanwhile, Czarula Eula I of the Ula Empire was preparing an invasion of the hapless inhabitants of Smirkistan. This ancient battle was recorded in song at the time. Evidence of the ancient battle has been found in the Ostracon of Eula, shown below. Translated from the ostraca originally located in the ruins of Czareula Eula I's palace. It has a height of 4 inches and is mainly composed of a prose report with a poetic finish, mirroring other ostraca of the time. It is dated to the 20th year, 3rd month of the Colon Terminus Kingdom. This is an early example of oral tradition being found in written form. The Ula Empire met Smirkistan in one of history’s decisive battles, the Battle of Colon Terminus. The Smirkers were represented by Lord Smirque and Ulans were headed by General de Druler. The two military masterminds dueled for weeks. Eventually, the battle subsided and the siege of Colon Terminus began. Rather than settle on a stalemate, General de Druler came up with an innovative idea. He had his workers create a giant wooden horse and had it wheeled to the city’s gate. Surprised and pleased by the apparent end of the siege, weary Smirkers accepted the peace offering, wheeling it into the town square. They did not know it was filled with a large number of heavily armed dung beetles. At dusk, the beetles emerged and shot filled the waning twilight. Many smirkers were felled in their tracks. Lord Smirque beat a hasty retreat and prepared a last stand. General de Druler was impressed with Smirque’s abilities in battle and decided to spare him. The terms of surrender: Lord Smirque would join the Ulan army and bring his soldiers over to serve the Czarula. The citizens would be lobotomized and then sent to Infestation Centers to be properly trained to be the willing servants of Eula I. Because of his prowess, Lord Smirque gained the title Lord Smirque of Accolade. And then there were two. The Ulans and Buggs engaged in a war of attrition to achieve final domination over the continent. Besides the glory of forcing a rival into submission, victory ensured control over the supply of uleic acid, a vital component of many materials used in each nation. Uleic acid is a somewhat toxic, green substance which occurs naturally in pools of liquid near the surface. It has a low boiling point, so it often is found with green clouds accompanying it. It is used for hive mind control and can be easily adapted for weapon use. It is the main ingredient in most personal care products, listed on the label as “oil of onimay”. Regular use allows the leaders to easily manipulate and control the thoughts and actions of the user. In a bid for final supremacy, the two armies converged upon the uleic acid mines at Queen’s Ferry. Here, final control would be determined. The nearby town of Accolade played host to the converging armies. The Battle of Colon Terminus, Abridged. The Battle of Colon Terminus in 53 BJE (Before Joined Era) was a decisive victory for the army of Czarula Eula I over the legendary husk Bugg I near the town of Accolade (now ruled by the Lord Smirque of Accolade). Eula's force of 1,000 dung beetle attack vehicles and 9,000 infested soldiers under general Don d'Druler met the Bugg army at Accolade. Bugg’s cavalry was screening ahead of the main force when they were engaged by the dung beetles, and the weapons his cavalry employed were not capable of piercing the hard outer casing. His cavalry was soon surrounded and routed, and his favorite radio station Slee-Zee-Kay was destroyed. Bugg was humiliated by this defeat, and this was made even worse by the fact that the Eulans had captured several Legionary Husks. It is also mentioned by sources that the Eulans found the prisoner of war that resembled Bugg the most, and liquefied his center, leaving only a husk behind. The capture of the golden husk by the Eulans was considered a grave moral defeat and evil omen for the Buggs. It required a generation of diplomacy before the Eulans returned them. An important and unexpected implication of this battle was that it opened up the continent to a new and destructive weapon: seven layer toxic apple cakes. However, the most immediate effect of the battle was that the Eulans were an indirect cause for the fall of the Buggs, and the rise of Queensferry. A solution to the thorny problem of who would rule and how was solved by a unification of the two warring states. The treaty was signed at the neutral site of Queensferry, where the new nation had its start. Thus began the nation of Queensferry, to which all other bow in obedience. All hail mighty Queensferry!
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