Review: The Swimming Anime (AKA Free!)

[Zelgadis 638]

Okay, I'm putting this here because if I put it on Tumblr, I will get eviscerated. Tumblerites tend not to like anti-fanboys and this rant is going to be a lot more intense than usual.

 

So, for those of you who haven't seen Free!, go ahead and read this. You might get a kick out of my hysterical ranting. If you have seen it, please add your thoughts. If you've seen it and you actually like it, PLEASE explain to me why. My gay friends and I are absolutely at a loss to explain how anyone could possibly enjoy this garbage. Seriously. I gotta know.

 

It started with this:

 

 

Kyoto Animation (AKA KyoAni) did a test trailer for practicing water effects and anatomy. This trailer got so much attention that it was finally made into an anime. Well, the trailer looked decent. However, once the decision was made to make it into an anime, I thought there was one of three things that could happen:

 

- It would actually be better than expected. (very faint hope)

- It would be just another mainstream shojo title with a lot of gay angst and overtones but nothing explicitly gay... like we've seen 650,000 times before.

- Or, it would be the second one with a story strung together by a series of cliches.

 

Little did I know, it would be worse than all that. Much, much worse. There are levels of bad. There is "hilariously bad," like your standard disaster movie, or, to use another anime as an example, like Ouran Host Club. There is "cringe-worthy bad" like the movie Contact or The Core. This is usually the result of writer/directors thinking they're doing something profound but are really doing something stupid. Then there's "offensively bad." I find this very, very rare. This is Free!

 

Free! goes beyond bad. It is the most offensively putrid anime I have ever seen in my life. By "offensive," I don't mean that it's racist or anything. The offense is to storytelling. KyoAni has always had a reputation for being shameless, exploititive opportunists and this drives home that image like a railroad spike through particleboard.

 

So, what's this anime like?

 

The Characters:

 

I can barely remember their names. The show really didn't make any of them memorable enough for me to care. That said, I did a study years ago on anime characters and hair color for a university class. Some anime use hair color to give the audience an instant preliminary idea of what a character is like. They are:

 

Black: Will follow a Japanese stereotype of some sort.

Brown: Typically mellow, kind, understanding characters.

Blonde: Rambunctious and hyper.

Red: Emotionally volatile, quick to anger.

Silver: Gay romantic.

Any non-natural color: Alien.

 

This technique can be done right. Kyo Kara Maoh got it right. So, here are the characters in the story by hair type. Like I said, I don't really remember their names:

 

Black Hair: He's the terminally depressed Japanese stereotype. In short, he's a woobie. (More info on the woobie: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheWoobie ) 

 

Brown Hair: Not just mellow and kind, but he's also ridiculously perfect. He stops to pet tiny kitties. He loves his little siblings. I could go on. In short, he's a Mary Sue. There are several versions of the Mary Sue. Brown Hair is a "perfect" Mary Sue:

- Never losing anything ever.

- Not having any developed flaws.

- Super special snowflake qualities.

 

Blonde Hair: He's pretty much exactly like the archetype. He's also runty, which emphasizes the hyper and rambunctious part.

 

Red Hair: There's another kind of Mary Sue... And that's the kind who's a complete jerk, yet everyone like him/her anyway. That's this character. 

 

The Story (or utter lack thereof):

 

The first episode begins with a flashback to all the characters together on their junior high swim team. I almost didn't even make it through this part. The voice actors are pure ear-sodomy. Like a five year old girl trying to do a junior high boy's voice... no, scratch that. It's worse than that. Imagine an impossibly skinny woman in stiletto heels. A woman who has blonde, curly hair, impossibly perky, gigantic rent-a-boobs, a tiny brain, and a shrill, squeaky voice. Imagine that person trying to do a junior high boy's voice and you'll get the picture. I spent most of my time during this flashback searching for a pencil to jam into my ear, because if I'm going to hurt that much, I'm going to do it to myself.

 

Finally, the flashback ends. I wish it were the only one. There are lots more.

 

So now we cut to Brown Hair, who is now in high school. He's going to visit Black Hair. Black Hair only has two parts to his personality. He loves water and he's constantly emo about something. What is he emo about? Well, the story doesn't bother showing us and isn't doing anything to make me care. 

 

Black Hair is sitting in the bathtub with his swimsuit on when Brown Hair enters. Black hair gets out of the tub and... OH DEAR GOD... What did the animators do to you, Black Hair? It's like they tried to find a halfway point between realism and stylization and ended up with this weird, mutant creature! This ends up being true for ALL the characters. They are FUGLY!!! Every last one of them is an over-shaded, mutated mess.

 

Anorexic Back:

 

 

No nipples with one tiny pec and one huge one:

 

 

Concave chest and shoulders that are wider than the hips:

 

 

Great, we've moved from ear-sodomy to eye-sodomy. Where are my pencils...

 

So, it's time for Black Hair and Brown Hair to go to school. But first, breakfast. Here it is revealed that Black Hair has eaten nothing but fish and toast for the last several years.  Okay, let me see if I can summarize my feelings about this stupidity...

 

NO!!!

 

This is NOT how swimmers eat! You CANNOT be a competitive swimmer and eat like this! Swimmers eat lots and they eat healthy! Dammit, stop over-woobifiying this guy and give him at least ONE realistic character trait!

 

Black Hair and Brown Hair go to school. There, they meet up with Blonde Hair. Yes, the standard pipsqueak cut-out character. I will give them credit for not making him whiny and insufferable. He's still a cut-out character though and his personality trait seems to be "hyper." That's it. Just hyper. 

 

So, together, Black Hair, Brown Hair, and Blonde Hair go to their old swim school, which is now abandoned and soon to be torn down. Inside, it's dark and empty. Blonde Hair accidentally kicks a can and Brown Hair yelps a little. Okay, I'm starting to get the idea that Brown Hair is afraid of the dark... wait! Blonde Hair says, "Oh yeah, you're afraid of the dark, aren't you?" Dammit, anime, thanks a lot! You were almost building some atmosphere there! God forbid show the audience how he's scared of the dark. Have Blonde Hair tease him a little or something. Oh no, you just had to TELL US that Brown Hair is scared of the dark. This is NOT GOOD STORYTELLING! Television is a VISUAL MEDIUM! SHOW US! Don't tell us! And the best part? It's never mentioned, shown, or referred to ever again! Suddenly, after this, Brown Hair doesn't act scared of the dark anymore. Screw you, anime. Screw you.

 

As you can see, by this point in the show, I'm getting pissed. This is when Red Hair shows up. His personality is: pretentious rich jerk. That's pretty much it. Red and Black challenge each other to a swimming race and nearly jump into the pool, but stop when they realize there's no water in it.

 

The next day, Black Hair, Brown Hair, and Blonde Hair go to Red Hair's private boarding school to see him. They sneak into the school's indoor pool after hours. By now, I've given up on figuring out what's going on. Red Hair catches them there. Red and Black jump into the pool. Tiny Guy strips naked and jumps in. Tiny Guy pulls Normal guy into the pool. Everyone gets wet. Cue the dubstep (AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!) The end.

 

To sum up my feelings so far:

 

 

But wait... There's... more...  (barf)

 

That was just the first episode. So far, Free! is just annoying. It hasn't crossed the line into "SCREW THIS SHOW" yet. From here, I'll do the "SCREW THIS SHOW" highlights.

 

Second episode. Black Hair is in a library. He sees a fish tank there. He becomes mesmerized by the water within and starts subconsciously disrobing. Seriously. He's LITERALLY taking his clothes off in the library. Okay... I get it. He's supposed to be a woobie. Woobies can be done right. Loki in the Avengers movie was a woobie and he's a good character. Black Hair has rampaged right across the line into "psycho." He's a serial killer. I'm sure of it. Right now, there's someone tied up in a giant tank in his basement and it's slowly filling with water. Any chance of having any affection for this character whatsoever is now gone. He is creepy.

 

A few episodes later is where the anime crossed the line from "exceptionally bad" to "everyone who worked on this should be brained with a car battery." It is the worst, most horrible cliche ever used in anime. It was an asinine cliche 30 years ago and time has only made it worse. I'm talking about CPR. Brown Hair nearly drowns. Black Hair drags him back to the beach. What does a normal human do in this case? Check breathing. If none found, perform CPR immediately. This is a process that should take no more than a couple of seconds.

 

What does Black Hair do? He fusses. He spends MINUTES thinking about it. He slooooowwwwly checks for a heartbeat. He slooooowwwwwly checks for breathing. Then he hesitates. Then he slooooowwwwly puts Brown Hair's head into position for CPR while he thinks about it some more. Oh noes! It's like a kiss! I'm so nervous!

 

Let me see if I can sum up my feelings about this nice and succinctly.

 

HELL NO!!!

 

This is the stupidest, most disgusting cliche in anime history. I did not imagine that anyone would have the utter gall to use this again. I cannot believe that NOBODY at KyoAni raised their hand and questioned whether or not they should go through with that scene.

 

Not only do I find this disgusting as a cliche, it's disgusting in a story sense too. I hate Black Hair even more. Let me put it this way... Let's say I'm not breathing and I need CPR. If I die right there because the one person who could save me got all nervous because it's like kissing, I swear to everything sacred in this world that I will become the meanest, most spiteful ghost the universe has ever known. I will hang onto that person for the rest of his natural life. I will do everything in my ghostly powers to make sure that person never, ever has a happy moment for all eternity. And when that person finally dies, I will rip their soul into tiny little shreds. 

 

Ugh... So we get into the final episodes. Red Hair says something nasty to Black Hair... I forgot what it was... I'm beyond giving a crap now. A lot of annoying sulking ensues. They make up later. The end. Finally.

 

One thing I haven't mentioned is all throughout this anime, one phrase is constantly repeated. "I only swim free." WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN??? You people are already whiny and insufferable, and now you're going to repeat this like it's some sort of teenage mantra? Please stop.

 

I'm all for fanservice. Fanservice can be a lot of fun. However, fanservice cannot take itself seriously. Somehow, the assholes who made Free! must have thought they were doing something insightful and dramatic. Hell, you can even do that and have fanservice at the same time. It has to be done well with a modicum of self-awareness. Ouran High School was great at this. Yeah, it was stupid, but it was perfectly well aware of that. Fanservice can also be good, but it still has to acknowledge that it's fanservice. Free! however... What they have done is taken every cliche in anime history and cranked it up on turbo-drive. Besides, fanservice at least has to be pretty. These guys are anything but.

 

I cannot even begin to imagine why this show got so popular. My gay friends and I just can't figure it out. I had to unfollow about 10 people from my tumblr because all they were posting was Free! garbage and I was just too disgusted by it. I sincerely hope that Kyoto Animation closes down and all the employees get jobs doing something that DOESN'T leave the world less artistically enlightened than it was before.

 

So who should watch this? I dunno... Anyone who wants a series of examples of precisely everything you can do wrong in writing a story.

 

~Rant over. Thanks for reading.   This was something I needed to get off my chest and I feel much better now.  

[astronelson 339]

"I only swim free." WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN???

 

Maybe they really like the front crawl?

[Zelgadis 638]

 

"I only swim free." WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN???

 

Maybe they really like the front crawl?

 

 

Perhaps. "Freestyle." It still sounds like a rallying cry of a whiny teenager.  

[NMUSpidey 3,956]

There is nothing good on TV here in Japan.  I came to accept that as a fact about two years ago or so.  At least with dramas.  Oh, god, the dramas are all about as bad (poorly acted, poorly written, poorly conceived, cheaply and skilllessly shot, characters who are incapable of even dreaming of having a second dimension because they're so one-dimensional in the first place, etc etc etc) as what you are describing.  Anime is a bit out of my range, but I do so love a good, rant-y, negative review and can appreciate some of the sentiment.

Alternate hypothesis: This anime was aimed at fujoshi (girl otaku), the stupid writers couldn't be bothered to do any of the research that good writing entails, and slapped that excrement together without thinking any more about it.

[astronelson 339]

I recommend the following:

 

Kore Wa Zombie Desu Ka?

Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha

Star Driver

Hataraku Maou-Sama (haven't seen all of it, what I have seen is pretty good)

Akikan (haven't seen all of it either)

 

They're all comedies, guess I'm drawn to that.

 

[Odainsaker 2,136]

Hehe, you got further than I did...I only made it partway through the first episode of "Free!" and gave up, for I couldn't follow the senseless posturing in the character's initial setups nor did I care for where any of them were going.  Well, it was an anime pitched to teen girls and whose basis and marketing was solely about showcasing the dripping wet bodies of skinny anime guys frolicking in the swimming pool together as a potential bromantic harem.  I wasn't expecting much, but still, the half episode I managed to sit through played out more an like adult film made up solely of the bad storyline and cringe acting while having none of the titillation.

 

For the curious, you can try to watch "Free! - Iwatobi Swim Club" at Crunchyroll.  It's free...ba dum bump.

 

I suppose it could be worse...I tried to watch the recent "Dogs & Scissors" ("Inu to Hasami wa Tsukaiyou"), as I am a fan of brooding-typecast voice actor Sakurai Takahiro, but, I just couldn't get past the theme of sadistic pet torture.  The first episode already had poor puppy Sakurai tied up and hanging from the ceiling so that the female love interest can tear after him with scissors...and this is supposed to be a physical comedy again pitched to teen girls.  Japanese girl otaku scare me.  The real world versions of hanging pet torture in the news wasn't funny at all and it just killed the comedy here for me.

 

For the let's-troll-PETA fans, you can watch "Dogs & Scissors" at Crunchyroll as well.

 

Ah well, the final installment disc of this season's "Space Battleship Yamato 2199" should have come out a few days ago, so my anime fix will surely be fulfilled.

[Jasoncw 11,940]

There is nothing good on TV here in Japan.  I came to accept that as a fact about two years ago or so.  At least with dramas.  Oh, god, the dramas are all about as bad (poorly acted, poorly written, poorly conceived, cheaply and skilllessly shot, characters who are incapable of even dreaming of having a second dimension because they're so one-dimensional in the first place, etc etc etc) as what you are describing.  Anime is a bit out of my range, but I do so love a good, rant-y, negative review and can appreciate some of the sentiment.

Alternate hypothesis: This anime was aimed at fujoshi (girl otaku), the stupid writers couldn't be bothered to do any of the research that good writing entails, and slapped that excrement together without thinking any more about it.

 

Yeah I feel like there's a western fanboy kind of misconception about the quality of anime ("Why can't American tv be as good!" "I wish I could move to japan and watch anime all day!" ).  And I had that misconception too for a little while.  But after you've watched the 30+ year backlog of the cream of the crop and you're only left with what's new every year...  at least for me there's not much to be interested in.

 

You can go down the list of shows running at any given time and it reminds me of the episode of South Park where cartman finds out that Family Guy is written by manatees (http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/103666/idea-balls), except in Japan there's only like 20 different idea balls.

[Cpt Johnny 58]

I recommend the following:

 

Kore Wa Zombie Desu Ka?

Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha

Star Driver

Hataraku Maou-Sama (haven't seen all of it, what I have seen is pretty good)

Akikan (haven't seen all of it either)

 

They're all comedies, guess I'm drawn to that.

 

The last anime that you recommended is not well done at all. To be perfectly honest, it sucks quite badly. Just look at the reviews at myanimelist.net to get a rough idea of what people think about that anime. I've watched the whole thing; there is no storyline to speak of, just a few drink cans turning into hot girls and kissing the protagonist, who is a perverted boy. EOS.

[Zelgadis 638]

Oh, god, the dramas are all about as bad (poorly acted, poorly written, poorly conceived, cheaply and skilllessly shot, characters who are incapable of even dreaming of having a second dimension because they're so one-dimensional in the first place, etc etc etc) as what you are describing.

 

The children in those things are the worst. I always thought you could get a stump and attach a voice synthesizer and get the same effect.

 

 

Yeah I feel like there's a western fanboy kind of misconception about the quality of anime ("Why can't American tv be as good!" "I wish I could move to japan and watch anime all day!"   ).  And I had that misconception too for a little while.  But after you've watched the 30+ year backlog of the cream of the crop and you're only left with what's new every year...  at least for me there's not much to be interested in.

 

What people don't realize is that, at best, 10% of the anime in Japan is ever subtitled. The rest never exits their borders. The vast majority of it is utter crap. 

 

Japan has a very significant underground anime industry. There is stuff out there that will make your hair curl.