BuggUla

Chapter 0.5: Bow Down to BuggUla In the beginning, there were four. The Republic of Jerkola, Smirkistan, Buggland and the Ula Empire. All four states were engaged in constant warfare to establish hegemony over the continent. The first to fall was Jerkola. Buggland mobilized battalion after battalion of armored dung beetles, who easily rolled to victory over the outnumbered and outgunned Jerks. As the vanquished population begged for mercy, King Bugg assured them “We Love You!” The Jerks were relieved and welcomed their new leader, opening up their towns to his soldiers and preparing for a new life under Buggland. The fools! After Infestation Centers were completed in every town, the locals were rounded up and wrapped in sticky silk. All surviving jerks were then liquefied and consumed by King Bugg, who lorded over the mayhem with a self satisfied smirk. As he slurped up the victims from his regal mug, he swished each around in his mouth. When completed, he let out a mighty belch. Meanwhile, Czarula Eula I of the Ula Empire was preparing an invasion of the hapless inhabitants of Smirkistan. This ancient battle was recorded in song at the time. Evidence of the ancient battle has been found in the Ostracon of Eula, shown below. Translated from the ostraca originally located in the ruins of Czareula Eula I's palace. It has a height of 4 inches and is mainly composed of a prose report with a poetic finish, mirroring other ostraca of the time. It is dated to the 20th year, 3rd month of the Colon Terminus Kingdom. This is an early example of oral tradition being found in written form. The Ula Empire met Smirkistan in one of history’s decisive battles, the Battle of Colon Terminus. The Smirkers were represented by Lord Smirque and Ulans were headed by General de Druler. The two military masterminds dueled for weeks. Eventually, the battle subsided and the siege of Colon Terminus began. Rather than settle on a stalemate, General de Druler came up with an innovative idea. He had his workers create a giant wooden horse and had it wheeled to the city’s gate. Surprised and pleased by the apparent end of the siege, weary Smirkers accepted the peace offering, wheeling it into the town square. They did not know it was filled with a large number of heavily armed dung beetles. At dusk, the beetles emerged and shot filled the waning twilight. Many smirkers were felled in their tracks. Lord Smirque beat a hasty retreat and prepared a last stand. General de Druler was impressed with Smirque’s abilities in battle and decided to spare him. The terms of surrender: Lord Smirque would join the Ulan army and bring his soldiers over to serve the Czarula. The citizens would be lobotomized and then sent to Infestation Centers to be properly trained to be the willing servants of Eula I. Because of his prowess, Lord Smirque gained the title Lord Smirque of Accolade. And then there were two. The Ulans and Buggs engaged in a war of attrition to achieve final domination over the continent. Besides the glory of forcing a rival into submission, victory ensured control over the supply of uleic acid, a vital component of many materials used in each nation. Uleic acid is a somewhat toxic, green substance which occurs naturally in pools of liquid near the surface. It has a low boiling point, so it often is found with green clouds accompanying it. It is used for hive mind control and can be easily adapted for weapon use. It is the main ingredient in most personal care products, listed on the label as “oil of onimay”. Regular use allows the leaders to easily manipulate and control the thoughts and actions of the user. In a bid for final supremacy, the two armies converged upon the uleic acid mines at Queen’s Ferry. Here, final control would be determined. The nearby town of Accolade played host to the converging armies. The Battle of Colon Terminus, Abridged. The Battle of Colon Terminus in 53 BJE (Before Joined Era) was a decisive victory for the army of Czarula Eula I over the legendary husk Bugg I near the town of Accolade (now ruled by the Lord Smirque of Accolade). Eula's force of 1,000 dung beetle attack vehicles and 9,000 infested soldiers under general Don d'Druler met the Bugg army at Accolade. Bugg’s cavalry was screening ahead of the main force when they were engaged by the dung beetles, and the weapons his cavalry employed were not capable of piercing the hard outer casing. His cavalry was soon surrounded and routed, and his favorite radio station Slee-Zee-Kay was destroyed. Bugg was humiliated by this defeat, and this was made even worse by the fact that the Eulans had captured several Legionary Husks. It is also mentioned by sources that the Eulans found the prisoner of war that resembled Bugg the most, and liquefied his center, leaving only a husk behind. The capture of the golden husk by the Eulans was considered a grave moral defeat and evil omen for the Buggs. It required a generation of diplomacy before the Eulans returned them. An important and unexpected implication of this battle was that it opened up the continent to a new and destructive weapon: seven layer toxic apple cakes. However, the most immediate effect of the battle was that the Eulans were an indirect cause for the fall of the Buggs, and the rise of Queensferry. A solution to the thorny problem of who would rule and how was solved by a unification of the two warring states. The treaty was signed at the neutral site of Queensferry, where the new nation had its start. Thus began the nation of Queensferry, to which all other bow in obedience. All hail mighty Queensferry!

Just to clarify, oh ye who have been brainwashed by foolish feline propaganda, our sale was not because we are short on cash. After all, our treasury is overflowing with the fruits of our many beloved citizens' happy labors. The plan was to dispose of surplus property and develop a new and more modern hive... a Hive of The Future! And, the future is us! All hail Queensferry! The future is our beloved leader, the immortal Buggula. All hail Buggula! We are invincible! Triumph is inevitable! Surrender now to avoid certain doom! All hail victory! Additionally, all rumors of battlefield defeats at the hands of inferior felines are lies. We have triumphed in every contest to date. We have simply repositioned our forces to focus on key assets near the coast. We have not abandoned our lawfully obtained territories in the mountains and piedmont areas. We have simply pacified them to the point that troops are no longer needed. Any feline activity in the vicinity is simply incidental. For you doubters, proof of our superiority in every aspect is shown below:

1. To stop drafts under the door 2. paperweight 3. biodegradeable bling 4. ballast 5. home insulation

Don't worry about us... we've just been hibernating... And now, we're back to finish the job!!!!!!!!!!!

Our troops have leveled yet another enemy town... ALL HAIL VICTORY! ALL HAIL QUEENSFERRY! ALL HAIL BUGGULA

We are thinking about selling the beloved, iconic, sacred 1313 Mockingbird Lane BuggUla Palace! This masterpiece would be a great home for any loyal drone... such as you! What would we do with the proceeds? BuggUla needs and deserves a bigger and more sumptuous abode from which to rule the world. Our workers are busy building it now. ALL HAIL BUGGULA! So, this one would become surplus. Unless, of course, our beloved citizens are so emotionally attached to the palace that they take up a collection and buy it, turning it into a museum of love and devotion. Which, of course, they will do. ALL HAIL QUEESNFERRY! We're having an open house for interested buyers this weekend from 2-5 PM. Come see the place... and bring lots of cash!

NEW!! Our secret factory has developed exploding cans of tuna. Guess where we are sending them!! Hee hee hee! Hee hee hee! ALL HAIL VICTORY! ALL HAIL QUEENSFERRY! ALL HAIL BUGGULA!

Valentine's Day... the DAY OF LOVE!!! New! Onimay-Frosted LOVE BUGG DONUTS!!! Available for a limited time only!! Every batch is bakery fresh!! And straight to your loyal grocer!! Have a LOVEly Valentine's Day!!!! WE LOVE YOU in Queensferry!!!

But of course! We aim to slake your thirst! After all, WE LOVE YOU!!!

City Journals and the STEX. Just how into SC4 are you?

Come visit Queensferry!!! Now featuring MORE Oil of Onimay factories to ensure the freshest products at the greatest prices! Try it... you'll LOVE it... just as we love you! Hee hee hee! Hee hee hee!

It is the most perfect beverage ever. One taste and you'll be hooked!! Have some. It's free... because we love you! <3 Hee hee hee! Hee hee hee!

HEE! HEE! HEE! MERRY BUGGMAS!!!

Yessssss.... that's it... drink the Oil of Onimay and know pure and unadulturated bliss!

Welcome Home, Beloved! You picked the right side of history. We are invincible! ALL HAIL VICTORY!! Join with us as we bring love and joy to all the world! ALL HAIL QUEENSFERRY! The benefits of our love are boundless. Welcome, brother! ALL HAIL BUGGULA! Witness the glorious prowess of our unstoppable army!

BBC news website. They are not as annoying as the hype filled biased American news websites. Your preferred music genre for general listening?

Nope. TNP likes to eat raisins...

Those are from the SNM set - SIm Nation Military - on the STEX. We are pleased you are inspired by Queensferry. Join us now. WE <3U! ALL HAIL VICTORY! ALL HAIL QUEENSFERRY! ALL HAIL BUGGULA!

ENJOY THE FLAVORS OF THE HOLIDAY! NEW! Turkey flavored Onimay infused holiday rations! Straight from our heart to your table!

Queensferry eliminates taxes! Need yet another reason to love us? BuggUla, it is divinely inspired divine wisdom, has devised a strategy to eliminate all taxes for our beloved drones! Your beautiful home, like the typical one shown above, can be totally tax free! Thanks of course to the scientists at BugguLabs! ALL HAIL VICTORY! ALL HAIL QUEENSFERRY! ALL HAIL BUGGULA We have installed these devices everywhere. Now, we have more revenue than ever! So, taxes have been eliminated!!!

Legit, indeed. Come in and enjoy a complimentary slice of Uncle John's world famous homemade seven layer "apple" cake with us! Hee hee hee! Hee hee hee!

Never failed anything.... but there have been classes I passed and didn't learn a thing.... Three part question: (1) your eye color and (2) do you like your eye color and (3) if you could pick any eye color what would it be?

ballet dancing hippos!

543. Conducting an orchestra 544. Ear piercing 545. Fragile, teeny tiny tent pole