TO BE BROADCAST OCTOBER 29, YEAR 39 - 12 NOON

I, Dr. Occa, am stepping down as mayor of Kuzcek effective December 31, Year 39, 11:59 pm, and with my departure means the cessation of all government services. All schools and the university will close at the end of the fall semester in December. All hospitals will close at 11:30 pm on December 31. Police and fire stations will close at the same time as the hospitals. All road maintenance will cease on December 31, and the last Tuesday garbage pick-up will be December 29. 

Someone may ask, "why do you have to shut down the government?" A very concerned councilman asked me that very question this morning. No one wants to be mayor of a city of 38,000 that's at least 70 miles from the nearest town, let alone city. It's hard as hell. Do you know how many of y'all I've had to glad-hand over the years? How many kids I've had to pretend to smile with for photo ops? How many late Friday nights I've had to work when I just want to go out? I had to miss the first Star Wars to supervise the construction of a new landfill! Why do you all make so much trash, anyway? Besides, none of you all are good enough to be the next mayor. 

By the way, final EQ is about 183, final life expectancy is 90 years. 

I'm retiring to Maui. Adios, losers. Oh, by the way, you still have to pay taxes.