Shaggy Dog Stories

[A Nonny Moose 8,261]

A knight arrives at an inn riding on a great Dane.  He is so poor that the only meal he can afford is one meatball and a maxer of water.  He gives the meatball to the dog, and drinks his water.  He is just about to leave when a huge thunderstorm breaks, with giant hail and general mayhem.

The innkeeper takes pity on him and tells him he can sleep at the hearth.  The innkeeper's wife is upset because the knight can't pay for his lodging, and she berates the innkeeper severely.

His response is, "My dear, I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this".

---

I am sure we have more of these.  What are they?

[Deever 23]

Like this?

---

The latest celebrity on television is a Russian, going by the name of Rudolph, who has taken the weather forecasting world by storm. He seems to have an incredible and uncanny knack of not just getting the forecast correct, but being amazingly accurate, sometimes even being able to tell where the rain will fall down to the nearest mile or so.

His fame was enhanced by his personality - being Russian, he had some unique turns of phrase. He was also a fanatical communist.

One day, one of his younger fans was watching with his parents. Young James turned to his mother, and asked "How does he manage to get the weather forecast so good?" His mother thought for a bit and said, "I'm not sure, but one thing's for certain - Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[JanYpe 17]

I've got a long one, which is more of an anecdote, happened to me about six months ago:

I pulled into the Caltex on Main North Road to fill up my car. My petrol cap opens on the left, so I pulled in to the right hand bay and got out. I was just about to start filling up when a car pulled up behind me, and the guy stuck his head out the window and asked if I could move forward onto the next pump. Fair enough I thought, and I jumped back in my car and moved forward. The guy pulled up beside me and offered his thanks. I started to fill up, and the guy moved round to the pump to start doing the same. As soon as he started filling up though, the nozzle on the gasoline pump started spraying fuel the wrong way, and covered his arm with petrol.

I stopped pumping in a flash, and grabbed my spare jacket out of the back of my car. I ran over to him, and wrapped his arm, soaking up the excess petrol. I figured that could easily of been me covered in petrol if he hadn't pulled up so I felt obliged to help as much as I could. The guy was more shocked than anything, and went into the Caltex store pretty annoyed with them. The clerk was very apologetic, and admitted that they knew the pump was faulty and had intended to shut it down but hadn't got around to it yet because it was very busy. The manager on duty obviously smelt a lawsuit, and had a quick conversation with the petrol covered guy. They agreed to settle with the service station giving the guy $250 to cover his dry cleaning.

I had followed them in, and heard all of this. I was interested to here about the cash, because I had just destroyed a very expensive jacket soaking petrol off the guys arm. I didn't really want to ask though, because I knew the petrol soaked gentleman had saved me from his fate when he shifted me. I decided to let the matter rest on his judgement. Without a word of thanks to me for the assistance, the guy walked straight out, and drove off down the street. I was a bit miffed, but I didn't see much point in getting all stressed about it. I paid for my petrol, threw my jacket in the back of the car, and headed off down the road.

I pulled up at the Grand Junction Road intersection, and I saw my petrol soaked friend a few lanes over. He was still looking pretty mad, talking to himself and glaring at the lights. I kept watching him, and then time slowed down. I saw him reach down, grab a cigarette, and light it with a lighter from his pocket.

No Way.

With a whoosh I swear I heard from my car, his arm was instantly on fire. I killed my engine, and started to clamber out of my car. The lights had just turned green though, and traffic started to move. I couldn't get to him, and he was clearly freaking out. Lo and behold, I see three guys jump out of the van behind him. I did a double take when I saw them carrying a big video camera. On closer inspection, the van turned out to be a Channel Seven van. These jokers started shooting, without any apparent intention of helping the guy.

More than a little shocked, I started to cross the traffic as fast as I could, but I was still three lanes away. From the other side, I saw lights start to flash. A police car had pulled up, and the officer jumped out with a fire blanket, pushed the camera guys out the way, and pulled the poor guy from his car and smothered the flame with was still covering his arm. I finally made it over there, and helped the guy stand up. He was in total shock, and I don't think he even recognised me.

The policeman turned the guy around, and slapped cuffs on his arms. By this stage I wasn't even surprised by something that weird, but I did want an explanation. I went over to the cop. I apologised and said that although I understood that it was none of my business, why did you arrest this guy? He needs to be on his way to a hospital.

The policeman turned around, and said:

"It isn't any of your business, but in case you didn't notice this man had an illegal fire arm."

[A Nonny Moose 8,261]

Deever:  An oldie, but goodie.

Jan Ype:  Life is stranger than fiction.

---

In the old days (1948 let's say) things being rather tough in the U.K. three brothers set our for Australia to seek their fortunes.  Of course, they kept in touch with their mum by mail.

One son landed a job with the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation as a trainee, one got a job clerking in an accounting firm and one went to a sheep station in the outback as an apprentice drover.

The years were kind to the boys, and the lad at HSBC rose to prominence as the chief loan office of the Australian operation.  The son with the accounting firm was able to attend school and get his degree, then became a chartered accountant.  He was eventually offered a partnership in the firm and became chairman of the board. 

The kid on the sheep station married the owner's daughter and eventually inherited the station.  Feeling he needed help with the business, he offered partnerships to his brothers, and they accepted.  The two city sons felt that a new image was needed for the station so they cabled their mum asking her for a name for the station.

Mum wired back the single word "Focus".

When asked later, she said it was because that was where the sons raise meat.

[LivingInThePast 364]

I'm confused...how does this work?

[A Nonny Moose 8,261]

You are no more confused than deever.  This is supposed to be for shaggy dog stories.  If you don't know what that is, try the wikipedia entry.

Here is another example:

---

As a reward for his services the chief of an aboriginal tribe was given a massive throne on which to receive audiences.  The chief lived in a one room grass hut, so to get a place to sleep he was forced to hang the throne in the ceiling storage bin with his regalia and other clothing.

All went well, and he was pleased with his gift until one night when there was a violent wind storm that destroyed the hut.  The throne fell on the chief, killing him instantly.

The moral of the story is:  People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

---

Now this is a shaggy dog story because you can embellish it and keep an audience on tenterhooks for as long as you like.  You elaborate without giving away the punch line. 

It is a triple threat, because the punch line is a triple pun on the line "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones", which is a piece of conventional wisdom, if you like.

[Deever 23]

*sigh* Ok I'll try again (I deleted the other one).

---

There was once a huge starship, called the SS Titanic. It was a mighty cruise ship, set to sail the inky blackness of space.

The first voyage of the immense vessel came. Thousands of people on board - mostly the rich and famous, and of course, a large crew to cater for their every need.

As the ship set off, no-one realised that her fate was just around the corner.

She flew around the galaxy, visiting several resort planets, before heading towards her last solar system. As she arrived, everyone found themselves looking in horror as the star exploded in front of their eyes - a supernova.

Of course, everyone was killed, and although search parties spent several years looking, nothing was ever found of the great ship, except for a single twisted, half-molten chunk of metal that had come from the toolkit of one of the ship's engineers.

The chunk of metal was put on display in a museum dedicated to the memory of the ship.

It became known as the Star-Mangled Spanner.

---

I think I got it right this time.

[A Nonny Moose 8,261]

Deever, that one is precious.  Were you also thinking of the Spar Strangled Spanner?

Now, here is a little gem that you can make up as many verses as you like for before you get to the punch (and judy) line.

---

Once upon a time a young man graduated from business school and got a job as a sales representative for the Pepsi Cola Company.  He was diligent and persistent and became successful.  [insert as many success stories as you like here.]

He eventually became a regional manager and was assigned to Africa.  Looking over his territorial map, he noticed that the Congo Republic (a.k.a. Belgian Congo) had never had any sales success for Pepsi.  He tried to find a sales representative for the company there, but was unable to hire anyone.  He decided to make a trip into the interior himself to introduce Pepsi to the people.

So he assembled a safari of a few hundred bearers, and set off into the jungle with several hundred cases of Pepsi.  After about a week, his bearers grabbed him one night in camp, tied him up, and dumped all the Pepsi into a big pot.  They ripped his clothes off and boiled him in his pop, and enjoyed the long pig.  They ate him all up except his thing.

---

Naive listener:  Why didn't they eat his thing?

Punch Line:  Things go better with Coca Cola!

---

This may be a little dated, as that punch line used to be one of Coke's big jingles.