THE GAME

[Firebird 40]

THE GAME

The cars and people bustle around on the street below her. They all act as if they have not a care in the world. Shannon wondered how people could go about their daily lives, knowing what was happening around the world.

She sat there, looking at the city life from high above. It was strangely hypnotizing, as if she was staring at a computer game. She had a comfortable life; her father was rich, having gained a fortune investing in Google, which was now the largest company in the world.

Shannon was a healthy 14 year old, tall, thin, good at P.E. Especially volleyball. With dark brown hair, light brown eyes, and good figure, she was constantly asked out by boys,who,she always turned down. She had not gone out with anyone. Ever.

    The house she lived in was cozy, not small, but, it had a cozy feel. Like a cabin in the mountains. She loved the mountains, they where so beautiful, peaceful, and quiet. She wanted to move there, but her father would not let her. He had to go to work everyday for some big company. She forgot what. She gave it that much respect.

    If only her father would just get his overlarge head out of that business hole he had dropped himself into. He was so concerned with earning money that, she never stopped to look at the simplest wonders. No one stopped to look at the simple wonders these days. Everything was so perfect. Perfect that is, until big, huge machines came and bulldozed it down into nothing but a big pile of useless wood.

If only the human race could see the potential they had. The secrets of the human mind (No, not brain, mind.) where priceless. If they would only just stop to think about it, the irreparable damage they are doing to their planet would seem quite stupid. The universe is infinite, without end, and so was the mind.

“Why, why do people fight” Shannon thought.

It was so stupid. They fight just to fight.

And that was what she had to change.

She jerked, as if she had just woken from a trance. She could not remember what she was thinking. She got up, opened the sliding glass door and walked into her room. She pulled herself under the covers and snuggled in them. Her calico cat, Amber curled up beside her head and started purring.

They both fell asleep.

 

Please enjoy. I will respond to any reply

individually. This is a sequal to my cj and I thought I needed a little more breathing room so I moved the sequal to the Off Topic section. Also, I will consider any suggestions.

EDIT:How do I get rid of thoes smiles.  They are wreaking my story!!!!

EDIT2: Thanks to mayor tims help, thoes unwanted wrenched smiles are out of my post!!!

[A199999999 0]

another good start for this "sequil"!

[pickled_pig 7]

Interesting... it's nice to see people's writing. But I'll refrain from commenting on the content for a bit because you have a few little grammar errors that simply kill me.  I'll forgive you; English is a tough language, whether you're a native speaker or it's your second or third language.

First, you write this:

The cars and people bustle around on the street below her. They all act as if they had not a care in the worldquote>

This is in present tense, except for the verb have, which is in its past tense form had.  The present tense verbs are bolded.  Then, you write this:

Shannon wondered how people could go about their daily lives, knowing what was happening around the world. quote>

This, though is in past tense.  As is the rest of the story.  I have placed the past tense verbs in orange.  Basically, if you can place the bolded verbs in their past ense form, you will have a far better opening.

Also, consider how often you use your commas.  I could give you every individual place you added an unnecessary comment, but I think I have criticised your writing enough.

As for your writing, there's potential.  It takes practice, though; I remember the first time I wrote a piece of fiction; it was called The Girl and the Drummer (don't ask).  Honestly, it wasn't well-written at all.  But I kept at it for a year or so - and before I semi-retired from writing in January (for the simple reason that I couldn't think of any subject material) I was writing some pretty good stuff.

Your style seems rather on a descriptive, introspective tangent.  Which you seem to understand.

Good work here, other than the grammar issues.

[Firebird 40]

@A199999999:  Thank you!! I plan to write many more.

@pickled_pig: Thank you for the constructive critisizm. It is always welcome And thank you for the comment. Yes, it takes lots of practice.

Update soon.

[Firebird 40]

    As she fell asleep, Lisa was wakening up. No one could quite tell how she managed to get to Ben’s store with out seriously injuring them all. Ben had blown his top, after yelling his head off, he promptly fell asleep on the couch in the back of the store. Though she nearly totaled the car, she could not wait until she could drive one again.

She got out of bed, stretched, and walked into the bathroom.

In the kitchen, Will was cooking pancakes; he had not cooked a pancake in 10 years so he was a little rusty.

    “Do you know how much money that burnt pancake batter cost?” Ben said outraged.

    “We are in a game, it does not mater” he replied tossing another pancake “and, practice does make perfect”.

    “Unless it cost you a hundred simolians!!” Ben walked over and turned off the burner. Will turned it back on. Ben turned it off.

    (“What’s all the commotion” Shannon mumbled in her sleep.)

    “What’s all the commotion” Lisa said walking out of her bedroom, her hair still a bit damp.

    “Nothing” Ben said, turning it off.

    “Absolutely nothing” Will said turning the stove on again.

    “Well, can we please stop this “nothing” and finish cooking pancakes” Lisa said “I will be back; I am going to jog around the block while the air is still cool”.

    “Ok” they both smiled and stopped fighting.

    She opened the door and walked out into the early sun.

    They resumed fighting.

        “What is happening?” Austin asked, scratching his sleepy head as he walked out of his room.

    “Nothing” they said again.

    This time they really did stop fighting.

    Shannon turned over in her sleep.

It was 5 am---on a Monday

Comments, constructive critisism, and suggestions are welcome and encouraged. 

[Firebird 40]

I will not write to no one Please do the poll. I might continue writeing.

[A199999999 0]

nice story keep it up!