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About this City Journal

I am bringing over a completed mini-CJ from Simtropolis Humor Team (ca. 2007) in the old section and dusting it off here in case you may have missed it during its initial run. One of these...

Entries in this City Journal

Schulmanator

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Star Trek Outpost Beta 6

The Final Update

This is the final voyage of Star Trek Outpost Beta 6. In observance of the new Star Trek movie, this new update is released as a capstone experience. So, enjoy the update and then go watch the movie. Klingon MediaNet rated the movie 5 out of 5 targ hearts and the Romulan Ambassador described it as “worth decloaking for.”

Like the new movie, this is an “origin story.” You saw how Paramount Studios wants us to see how the crew of the Enterprise got together. Now, see the other side of the story. This story begins in the old Scottish town of Kappinkirk, located near Loch Vulcan. Let’s see how the valiant crew of the Enterprise first met…

town.jpg

The Lord Mayor of Kappinkirk resides at Roddenberry Castle, from whence he issues his manifold decrees. It is also the site of the annual IDIC Awards.

castle.jpg

Our next scene begins in the academic quarter. The Starfleet Academy Learning Annex sits across the street from the Daystrom Institute. It’s where many of the top minds of the 23rd century congregate to get the latest on graviton wavefronts and dilithium chambers and so forth. It is where we find one Montgomery Scott, hard at work in class.

avscottam0.jpg Laddie, I tell ya I can beam a needle out of TWO haystacks with one arm tied behind my back.

LaForge02.jpg How is that even possible?!

data.jpg Your presence here is illogical. You have not been born yet.

LaForge02.jpg Oh yeah? Neither have you!

avspock2dk3.jpg Fascinating. I seem to have stumbled upon an illogical human debating ritual. Fascinating.

avscottam0.jpg Huh? Who are you?

avspock2dk3.jpg I am Spock. And I am here to become a science officer.

avscottam0.jpg Yeah? I got a science trick for ya… pull my finger.

avspock2dk3.jpg I fail to see the human emotional need to have one’s finger pulled. It is illogical.

avscottam0.jpg Tell ya what then, laddie. If the expected outcome of pulling my finger varies from your postulation, you are buying every guy here a round at the bar across the street.

avsarekgu5.jpg A bar across the street from a school? These humans are more logical than I thought.

avspock2dk3.jpg Very well, since your outcome was not what I expected, we will all head over for synthale across the street.

Spock won’t fall for that old trick again. Meanwhile, the crew heads across the street to the local pub, the Logical Vulcan.

TheLogicalVulcan.jpg

While enjoying a round or three, a few brash cadets strolled in. A few words were spoken in haste and a brawl began. One officer ran down the street to Sulu’s Swordsmithy to put an end to the fight.

suluswords.jpg

avspock2dk3.jpg A sword? That is illogical. I recommend a phaser set on stun.

avkirk2kn5.jpg But this is much more fun.

avscottam0.jpg Where did you come from, stranger?

avkirk2kn5.jpg From the other pub across the street from the school.

avscottam0.jpg There are TWO pubs across the street from the school?! How did I miss that?!

avspock2dk3.jpg A valid inquiry.

pubacrossfromschool.jpg

avkirk2kn5.jpg It’s my favorite hangout; The Neutral Zone. All of us regulars call it “the zone.” You should come over some time. Happy hour is 4-6 weekdays and Tuesdays are half price wings.

avspock2dk3.jpg Fascinating.

avkirk2kn5.jpg Where do you go to school?

avspock2dk3.jpg They Daystrom Institute.

school.jpg

avscottam0.jpg Starfleet Learning Annex.

scotty.jpg

The Top Ten Classes at Starfleet Academy

10) Command 302: Wining in No-Win Situations

9) Communications 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies

8) Space Law 206: Avoiding Court-Martial

7) Navigation 101: Standard Orbits

6) Philosophy 203: Why All Major Systems Fail at the Same Time

5) Command 255: Choosing Minor Landing Party Members Who Will Die

4) Astrophysics 199: Recognizing Unknown Phenomenon

3) Command 309: Creative Obedience to Starfleet Orders

2) Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological Advances Under Time Pressure

1) Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and How to get around it

avkirk2kn5.jpg Cool! Me too. Say, did you see that hot chick come out of the chapel across from school just a while ago? She was hotter than a photon torpedo?

avscottam0.jpg I did. Her name is Uhura. She goes to the Christopher Pike Chapel of the Unfortunate Cameos to wish for more substantial dialogue in scripts.

christopherpikechapeloftheunfortuna.jpg

avkirk2kn5.jpg Good luck with that. I plan on hogging as much camera time as possible when I get out of Starfleet.

avspock2dk3.jpg Gentlemen, it appears that Mr. Scott has passed out. I recommend medical attention. We may take him down Enterprise Street to the clinic.

enterprisestreet.jpg

avspock2dk3.jpg We have arrived at the clinic.

avbonesod0.jpg Howdy, pardners. What’s the problem? Just remember, I’m a doctor, not a miracle worker.

avspock2dk3.jpg Mr. Scott seems to have passed out.

avbonesod0.jpg From what, my green blooded friend?

avscottam0.jpg I don’t know… but it was greeeeeeeeennnnn….

Meanwhile, over at the olde kirk, Rev. Harcourt Fenton Mudd has been hard at work trying to lure in new Starfleet converts.

oldeKappinkirk2.jpg

He didn’t have much luck, though. Most of the available cadets were either at the Logical Vulcan or at one of the other campus hangouts.

capndunsilsbar.jpg

Many from the Daystrom Institute chose to hang out at the Captain Dunsil Bar & Grill. Here, they would discuss classes and study for their final exam. Let’s take a look at the sample questions from the final exam:

How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb?

- "Aproximately 1.000000000000000000000000000000"

How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb ?

- Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.

How many FERENGI does it take to change a light bulb?

- For the right price, as many as you want.

How many TAMARIANS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

- Sylvania, when the lamp failed.

How many STARFLEET OFFICERS does it take to change a light bulb?

- Two. One to change the light bulb, and the other to die shortly after they beam down.

How many STARFLEET ENGINEERS does it take to change a light bulb?

- None. If you run a phased inverse tachyon burst through the main emitter array grid and multiplex it with a subspace standing wave locked back into a diagnostic mode filter, you'll bleed off most of the static warpfield instabilities through the higher verteron harmonics of the decchyon field and get at least another 60 Watts out of the old one.

How many CREW MEMBERS of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?

Eight. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering section is burnt out, after which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty after checking around notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend the engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu and 3 red shirted security officers beam down. The 3 red shirt guys are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk and the rest. The new bulb is inserted and the Enterprise continues its five year mission.

Study hard. You only get one chance to pass the test. Until next year, of course. But, don’t worry. Even Captain Picard failed the first time.

avpicardfo1.jpg Hey! That’s a secret!

Oops. Sorry, Jean Luc.

avspockgq3.jpg Captain Picard, your presence here is disturbing the fabric of the space-time continuum.

avpicardfo1.jpg Well, excuuuuuuuuse meeeeeeeeee!

Picard stomps off in a huff to the Boothby Priory.

BoothbyPriory.jpg

Meanwhile, Spock and Scotty head out from Dr. McCoy’s office, only to run into Jim Kirk again.

avkirk2kn5.jpg Guys, I have this Kobiashi Maru test to take and I have not passed it yet. Can you help me?

avspock2dk3.jpg Help is illogical. You are not supposed to win. It is a test of how you handle the no-win scenario.

avkirk2kn5.jpg I want to find a way to win.

avscottam0.jpg Perhaps I can help you, Cap’n. What is the problem you have to solve?

avkirk2kn5.jpg “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

avspock2dk3.jpg You will never find the correct solution; it is unsolvable.

avkirk2kn5.jpgAu contraire, mon frère. I have already harvested many answers.

• Neelix: Actually, Captain, I’m not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

• Worf: I don’t know. Klingon chickens do not cross roads.

• Holographic Doctor: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn’t even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

• Dr. Crusher: If there’s nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

• Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

• Odo: I don’t know, but I’m sure it must be Quark’s fault.

Quark: Who, me?

• Troi: I feel the chicken’s pain!

• Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

• Bones: Dammit, I’m a doctor, not an ornithologist!

• Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.

• The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

• Q: Wouldn’t you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn’t be able to comprehend the answer.

• Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

• Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken…

• Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don’t remember any chicken. No no no, there’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

• Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

• V’Ger: To join with the Creator.

• Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Unfortunately, none of them were correct. But, I am still working on it.

avscottam0.jpg I found someone who knows the answer - Gene Roddenberry: To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.

avkirk2kn5.jpg Perfect! Now to reprogram the computer. Wanna come with?

avspockgq3.jpg That is a violation of Starfleet regulations.

avkirk2kn5.jpg And….?

avspockgq3.jpg Over my dead body!

avkirkyn8.jpg It would have been…. if we would not have shot you into the Genesis planet.

An argument ensues… a few Vulcan neck pinches were bandied about and a few Starfleet issue chairs were thrown about and broken. Finally, all were interrupted by a comm signal sent to every member of Starfleet…

avbaseus0.jpg Attention on deck! The Federation is under attack and there are no ships in the sector (as usual). We need you to beam aboard and save the day.

The men grab Dr. McCoy and head to the beam up point.

avkirk2kn5.jpg Beam me up, Scotty.

avscottam0.jpg Umm…. Sir… I’m standing right here next to you.

avkirk2kn5.jpg Oh yeah. I knew that.

avent1lz9.jpg We’re ready to beam you up and assume standard orbit.

avkirk2kn5.jpg Let’s go!

As the unnamed crewman, an extra with a red shirt, beams the group up, a small spatial anomaly causes a disruption to the transporter signal…

The crew may not materialize!

Scotty and Spock made it. They run to the transporter control panel and start flipping switches and pressing buttons. They make it look so easy…

Soon, all are beamed aboard but Kirk. His signal seems to be trapped in the transporter buffer. It is mostly intact… only 0.1% signal degradation.

avspock2dk3.jpg I will cross-circuit to B to fix it.

avscottam0.jpg I don’t know how much longer I can hold him together…

avspock2dk3.jpg I have the signal. I hope the 0.1% signal loss will not injure the captain.

Kirk slowly begins to materialize on the bridge.

avkirk2kn5.jpg Spock! Scotty! Thank! Goodness you were! Able to! Beam! Me up!

avspock2dk3.jpg Captain, your speech seems to be impaired from the transporter malfunction.

avkirk2kn5.jpg What! Are! You! Talking! A! Bout!?

avscottam0.jpg Spock… I have coordinates set for deep space at widest dispersion. Shall I energize?

avspock2dk3.jpg Negative. I am sure Captain Kirk will, with suitable rehabilitation from Dr. McCoy, regain the normal use of diction.

avbonesod0.jpg Dammit Spock, I’m a doctor, not a miracle worker!

avspock2dk3.jpgavscottam0.jpg It’s gonna be a long five year voyage…

And, thus, the adventure begins. See you all out there!

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Schulmanator

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Star Trek Outpost Beta 6

Lights, Cameras, Action!

 

avtaloswp1.jpg Sorry to butt in. But, I hear they are making a new Star Trek movie.

avkirk2kn5.jpg Really? With the young me?

avkirkyn8.jpg Or the old me?

avsarekgu5.jpg That would be illogical. It is a prequel. You won’t be in it at all.

avkirkyn8.jpg Not even in a cameo?! Uhura, get me my agent on subspace!

avsarekgu5.jpg Illogical! Illogical!

avkirkyn8.jpg I prefer a better type of movie; a classic, if you will. I remember my last role.

Now, THAT is when a movie was a movie!

avscottam0.jpg For the record, I can still reach the control panels!

Meanwhile, back at Starfleet Academy’s Remedial Education Center…

jj1.jpg

jenalopercu5.jpg O-M-G... I like so totally hope they have some awesome new shoes in this movie!

avlocutuskz9.jpg Silence, students! Back to our cinema lesson…

jj2.jpg

Over at the studio headquarters, script revisions have been made, casting has been set and production has started.

avspockgq3.jpg Live long and…. LINE?!

data.jpg Prosper, sir. Your memory does not seem to be what it used to be, sir.

avsarekgu5.jpg Illogical! Illogical!

jj3.jpg

Come join us on the set for an out of this world experience!





















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Schulmanator

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Star Trek Outpost Beta 6

Klingons off the port bow!

Things at Outpost Beta 6 returned to normal fairly quickly. Concerns about the Borg have abated and concerns about what's hot for spring fashions have commenced. Fashion has always been a concern, since phasers are hard to accessorize with, especially the goofy ones that look like dustbusters.

4b.jpg

Over at Commander Riker's quarters, a big discussion about what to wear for the big Starfleet Victory Dance is underway.

avrikertc8.jpg Hmmm... what do I wear with my phaser which will make me look cool?

avworffk9.jpg I recommend a batleth - they never fail!

avspockgq3.jpg This is illogical.

avbonesod0.jpg Blast it, Spock! You and your Vulcan logic! Everyone knows the best accessory for a Starfleet uniform is a medical tricorder with a Denobulan leather carrying case.

avspockgq3.jpg Is not.

avbonesod0.jpg Is too.

avspockgq3.jpg Is not.

avbonesod0.jpg Is too.

avworffk9.jpg Gentlemen! Gentlemen! There is only one way to settle this... with honor. A death match! I'll call the Klingon High Council to get the Swords of Wrath sent over right away.

avkronostu0.jpg We will come right away. Sounds like fun!

avgornsj1.jpg Hissssss. Hissssss! Hisssssssssss!

But, the Klingon ship decloaks in a restricted area. This causes a red alert and cancels the fight- for now.

4a.jpg

Command HQ reports a Klingon battle cruiser decloaking right over a drive in movie theater.

avkirkyn8.jpg Again with the Klingons... did they pay admission?

data.jpg They did not, sir. And, to make matters worse, they are in violation of treaty by bringing their own refreshments and bypassing the concession stand.

avkirkyn8.jpg Red alert!

4e.jpg

Preparing to launch photon torpedos!

avklinglisalr7.jpg Halt!

avkirkyn8.jpg It's the Krono Lisa. She's an ally. What can I do for you, Krono Lisa?

avklinglisalr7.jpg Hold your fire. We have come to see the blood feud flight.

4f.jpg

The request was processed at the colony's Auxiliary Command Outpost

avkirkyn8.jpg You are cleared. Come on aboard. Stand down, Defiant.

avdefiantyr3.jpg Oh, alright. We never get to blast anyone anymore. That's why we joined Starfleet in the first place.

4d.jpg

The Klingons beamed down here to see the blood feud.

4c.jpg

But, by the time they got there, both Bones and Spock had been taken to Sick Bay from exhaustion and hoarseness.

In closing, let's provide the Klingon guests some humor:

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.


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Schulmanator

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Star Trek Outpost Beta 6

New! The Exciting Conclusion!

Where we left off in the last episode...

avpicardfo1.jpgPut the cube ship on the main screen.

borgqr5.jpg

After a long, dramatic pause, a communication is received from the Borg Cube...

avworffk9.jpgWhat the??!! That is so not working for me... if that's how they want it... FINE! OK, fellow Trekkies... it's GO TIME!!

 


And now, the exciting conclusion...

warroom.jpg

At the Military Command

war.jpg

Defenses at the ready

avpicardfo1.jpg

Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

qww.jpg

LaForge is at the Daystrom Institute, hard at work

LaForge02.jpg

Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

avpicardfo1.jpg

We?

avklinglisalr7.jpg

Yes, Captain. I have used my warrior prowess and skill with the batleth to help devise the perfect plan.

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

vvc.jpg

Riker watches the process from a viewscreen at Starfleet Academy

avrikertc8.jpg What the hell is Microsoft?

www.jpg

Data follows along from this workstation at Memory Beta.

data.jpg

Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

avpicardfo1.jpg

But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

data.jpg

Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

avpicardfo1.jpg

Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.

ghj.jpg

Rom's Bar prepares for a large order of Aldeberan Whiskey, just in case...

. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

data.jpg

Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

LaForge02.jpg

Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

avpicardfo1.jpg

Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

data.jpg

Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

tre.jpg

The CPU for the colony's computers is housed in the tower

avrikertc8.jpg

Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!

LaForge02.jpg

Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

avpicardfo1.jpg

Data, what do your scanners show?

LaForge02.jpg

Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

avpicardfo1.jpg

Let's wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.

zxc.jpg

Anxiety mounts on Outpost Beta 6

. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

avrikertc8.jpg

Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

LaForge02.jpg

As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.

avpicardfo1.jpg

How much time will that buy us?

data.jpg

Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.

LaForge02.jpg

Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

avpicardfo1.jpg

Identify.

data.jpg

It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...

[over the speakers]

This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.

data.jpg

The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

avpicardfo1.jpg

Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

avrikertc8.jpg

My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

data.jpg

I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

3we.jpg

The Starfleet mainframe is housed here... it is processing what just transpired...

avrikertc8.jpg and avpicardfo1.jpg

Lawyers!!

LaForge02.jpg

It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

data.jpg

True, but apparently some must have survived.

avrikertc8.jpg

They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

data.jpg

I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.

avrikertc8.jpg

They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

avpicardfo1.jpg

Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg don't deserve such a gruesome death!

Hooray! The colony has been saved!

happy.jpg

The colony has been saved by the venerable Enterprise, her crew, and of course a little help from the Krono Lisa. Who knows what adventures await Beta 6 now...

THE END

Or, is it??!


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Schulmanator

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Meanwhile....

Back at Starfleet HQ

sfhqay1.jpg

Starfleet Command Building

avkirkyn8.jpg We! need! a! solution!

avsarekgu5.jpg It would be illogical to resist the superior force of the Borg.

avgornsj1.jpg Ttttthhhhhhhh...... tttttthhhhhhh..... ttttthhhhhh....

avscottam0.jpg Hurry up with your decision, laddies. I canna hold her together much longer.

avpicardfo1.jpg Prepare to exercise the Picard Maneuver.

avspockgq3.jpg That is illogical. It will not succeed. From where did you get that idea?

avlocutuskz9.jpg DOH! Ummm... how about lowering your shields?

avgornsj1.jpg Ttttthhhhhhhh...... tttttthhhhhhh..... ttttthhhhhh....

avrikertc8.jpg That's not very helpful. We need to call upon the finest defensive masterminds in the quadrant.

jenalopercu5.jpg Us?

avrikertc8.jpg No. But I have seen you ladies use sophisticated offensive strategies to get choice shoes at remarkable discounts. We need someone who is a skilled warrior who can lead us to victory.

avworffk9.jpg Ahem.

avrikertc8.jpg We need your experience at tactical...

avworffk9.jpg GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

avtaloswp1.jpg Sorry to butt in. I used my giant brain to think of just who such a leader would be.

avkirkyn8.jpg Dare we? Can? it? be done?

avspockgq3.jpg It is the only logical solution.

avbonesod0.jpg Blast it! You and your Vulcan Logic...

avpicardfo1.jpg Then we will summon her at once. Open hailing frequencies.

avbaseus0.jpg Starfleet Command to Kronos... Starfleet Command to Kronos... Priority 1 message. Code Name Borg Cube to be activated.

avpicardfo1.jpg: Ah. Here she is on the viewscreen.

klingonmlbu2.jpg

avpicardfo1.jpg Open the channel to the Knono Lisa.

avklinglisalr7.jpg I have seen your predicment. And, I have a solution. It is bloody and ruthless. And chock full of honor and future Klingon Opera ditties.

avpicardfo1.jpg Make it so.

avklinglisalr7.jpg Very well. Here's what to do...

[insert cliffhanger here!]


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Schulmanator

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RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED!



Borgs, Borgs Everywhere! 

And not a drop to assmiliate!





avlocutuskz9.jpg"I am Microsoft of Borg. Resistance izkx
GPF 0x5654 8820
Application RESIST.EXE has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down."


 



Fudd of Borg: Ssssssh! Be vewwy, vewwy quiet... we're assimiwating wabbits!



Gilligan of Borg: Escape from the island is futile.



"I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... MMMmmmm! Donuts!"



"I am Shakespeare 'o Borg: Thou art assimilated, my good man. Ye shall not resist, for that is futile."



Tigger of Borg: "ASSIMMILATING! That's what Tiggers do best!"



Daffy Duck of Borg: "Resistance is dithpicable!!"



Descartes of Borg: "I assimilate, therefore I am."



Donahue of Borg: "Go ahead and assimilate, caller..."



Ed McMahon of Borg: "You may already be assimilated!"



Flintstone of Borg: "You will be yabbadabbassimilated."



Hamlet, Prince of Borg: "Prepare to be.. or not to be..."



Henny Youngman of Borg: "Assimilate my wife, please!"



"Hey man, I'm Bart of Borg. Who the hell are you?"



Porky Pig of Borg: Prepare to be as... assa... assim... I'm taking over.



Ferengi-Borg: Insert Coin for assimilation...



"Hi! My name is Borg. How may I assimilate you?"



"I am Pentium of Borg. Arithmetic is irrelevant. Division is futile. You WILL be approximated."



avbonesod0.jpgMcCoy of Borg: He's assimilated, Jim!



John Lennon of Borg: Imagine all the people... assimilated.



avbonesod0.jpgBones of Borg: "He's assimilated, Jim."



Bashir of Borg: Prepare to be... did anyone ever tell you that you have beautiful eyes?



Dr. Smith of Borg: Resistance is futile, you bubble-headed booby!



Julius Caesar of Borg: Veni, vidi, assimilavi.



Borg Law: "Prepare to be litigated. Your case is irrelevant."



avkirk2kn5.jpg"I am William Shatner of Borg... and this is... Assimilation 911!"



Bugs Bunny of Borg: "What's up, Collective?"



"I am Trebek of Borg. For $200, it's futile and starts with R. "



"I am AOL of Borg. Connection is irrelevant. Modem will be assim +++ NO CARRIER"



I am O'Brien of Borg. You will be assimilated as soon as I finish fixing this bloody assimilation machine...



I am Bill Gates of Borg. You HAVE been assimilated. You just don't know it yet.



Darth Vader of Borg: You will be assimilated. It is your desssssstiny.



Paul McCartney of Borg: Resistance is futile -- let it be, let it be, let it be.



BorgerKing: We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.



Khan of Borg: From hell's heart I assimilate thee...



Joan Rivers of Borg: You will be assimilated, but first, can we talk?



Microsoft of Borg: The superiority of other products is irrelevant.



John Wayne of Borg: You will be assimilated, pilgrim.



Mick Jagger of Borg -- I can't get no, (pause) assimilation.



Burns of Borg: Smithers! Assimilate them!



"We are Pakled of Borg. We ah-sim-ah-late. We are strong."



avscottam0.jpgScotty of Borg: We canna assimilate no more kaptin.



Humphrey Borgart of Borg: You will be assimilated. Maybe not here. Maybe not now. This could be the start of a beautiful collective.



"I am Rubik of Borg, and the cube was MY idea. "



Andy Rooney of Borg: Ever wonder why resistance is futile?



"I am Bill Gates of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will drop your decent OS and install mine. Stability and freedom are irrelevant. Your life, as it has been, is over. From this time forward you will service, us. "



JFK of Borg: Ask not what the collective can do for you, but what you can do for the collective.



avkirk2kn5.jpgShatner of Borg: *You*...Will...Be...Assimilated!



"I am Captain Jellico of Borg. You will be assimilated. But first, get that fish out of my ready room."



Troi of Borg: Your chocolate will be assimilated.



"I am Heisenborg. You will probably be assimilated."



Dirty Harry of Borg: Go ahead, resist us. Make my day.



Clinton of Borg: "Prepare to be assimilated, not inhaled."



Rambo of Borg: Resistance is the desease. We are the cure.



Borg Spreadsheet: Locutus 1-2-3.


#1 on the BORG Hit Parade: We all sleep in a single subroutine.
#2 on the Borg Hit Parade: Borg in the USA.
#3 on the Borg Hit Parade:Assimilate me tender - Elvis of Borg.



avlocutuskz9.jpgBorg Starter Kit: some assimilation required.



The Borg assimilated my race, and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt.



Groucho Borg: That's the silliest thing I ever assimilated.



HersheyBORG: Wrappers are futile. Chocolate will be assimilated.



Quark of Borg: You will be assimilated. But with the right amount of gold pressed latinum, I can overlook your resistance.



Sinatra of Borg: Start spreading the news. We're assimilating today. You will be a part of it: the Borg, the Borg.



Ginsu of Borg: "You will be assimilated - but WAIT! There's MORE!"



The Borg: Calm, Cool and Collective.



avlocutuskz9.jpgBorg Answering Machine Message:
WE ARE BORG.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone
and we'll assimilate you later.


 


And, before we go, a glimpse of Beta 6...

will this intergalactic treasure be saved from the Borg? We will see!


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RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED!

Star Trek Colony Beta 6, Meet The Borg!

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When we last left Star Trek Colony Beta 6, it was becoming a center of trade and culture for the Federation. A profitable trade with Monkey Island led to more than enough latinum to go around. Everything was going along well. It was now Star Date SC4.5 and everyone was having a good time. Starfleet Command even gave every officer a 1000 credit bonus. Life was good.

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The Uhura Communications Complex, Beta 6

avkirk2kn5.jpg Hey, what plans do you have for your bonus? I was thinking about buying me an Aldeberan Shellmouth for a new pet.

avbonesod0.jpgDammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a marketer! I am gonna spend mine hanging out with Lt. Spidey. We're going to break out some Romulan Ale and meet up with Scotty for some serious thinking. Um, I mean, serious drinking!

avscottam0.jpg Aye, laddie! We'll have us a wee bit of the Aldeberan Whiskey, then off to the Romulan Ale. Sounds like a plan to me.

avsarekgu5.jpgYour plan is logical, but my plan to whip you at Denobulan Poker is even better. Hope you are ready to lose your bonuses.

avrikertc8.jpgI'm in on that! I am ready to break even. I got in so much trouble after I lost that shuttlecraft to you last month at the poker tournament on Rigel VII.

avpicardfo1.jpgHEY! You said it was hit by asteroids! That's coming out of your paycheck, Number One!

avrikertc8.jpgDOH!!!

Meanwhile...

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Daystrom Institute, West Campus

avgornsj1.jpgWe are receiving a signal from our deep space probes. Looks like trouble.

avspock2dk3.jpgPut it on the main viewer... magnify and enhance... wait... turn the viewer to channel 3... now press "monitor" on the control pad... now... there it is... fascinating... fascinating...

avtaloswp1.jpgSorry to butt in sir. What is it?

avspock2dk3.jpgIt appears to be some sort of cube ship... on a course of 2009 mark 01.

avtaloswp1.jpgSorry to butt in again sir. That puts that ship on a collision course with the outpost.

avgornsj1.jpgThat's bad news for us, sir.

avspock2dk3.jpgYa think??!! Notify the captain at once.

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Starbase Command Center

avspockgq3.jpgThe transmission has been received. I am formulating recommendations...

avpicardfo1.jpgPut the cube ship on the main screen.

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After a long, dramatic pause, a communication is received from the Borg Cube...

avlocutuskz9.jpgWe are the Borg. Your life as it has been is over. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

avworffk9.jpgWhat the??!! That is so not working for me... if that's how they want it... FINE! OK, fellow Trekkies... it's GO TIME!!

CLIFFHANGER TIME!

Will the colony survive the Borg?? We'll see... next time!


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Star Trek Outpost Beta 6: Mini Update

Overheard at Quark's Bar

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Quark's Bar is located on the 27th floor of the Klingon Habitat Building. The Klingons make for noisy neighbors, but they sure do buy a lot of prune juice and raQ ta'Jino! 

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LT. SPIDEY'S QUOTABLES

Go, web! I mean, 'make it so'!

Beam me up... a case of beer.

Here's a good one: How many Klingons does it take to attach a ODN conduit?

Answer: Four- one to do the engineering and two to zap him with painsticks while he does it while a fourth belts out Klingon opera!

I have been assimilated by dark chocolate...resistance is futile!!

Was I hit by a phaser on stun or am I just loaded?

avbonesod0.jpg 

DR. McCOY'S QUOTABLES 

Ensign Dracula? He's undead, Jim. 

Ensign Pillsbury? He's bread, Jim.

Jim Beam me up, Scotty!

He's ALIVE, Jim! Where did I go wrong?

He's dead, Jim. I'll get his tricorder and you get his wallet.

He's dead, Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me.

He's dead, Jim. Tell the Klingons that dinner is served.

Meanwhile....

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Core Breach Imminent!!!

Evacuate the fusion generator!!!

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Luckily, Brad and Brian beamed in just in time to press the buttons - blue, blue, blue - to save the outpost from certain destruction!

Whew! Another crisis averted! With all this going on, no wonder Lt. Spidey has the Romulan ale stashed!


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Outpost Beta 6 Update #3: Save The Enterprise!

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Shuttle Bay 1 was now ready to receive the colonists. Shuttle Simtropolis was launched from the Enterprise. The trajectory of the ship was a bit erratic. The cargo hold was so full of passengers' shoes and purses that the engines were overtaxed. Of course, the mission commander, Lieutenant Matthew Spidey, had also stashed several barrels of illegal Romulan ale at the rear of the cargo hold. Luckily, the pilot, Ensign Lauren Ahrns, was able to land the small draft on the pad.

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Twin transporter bays adjacent to the shuttle bay would beam colonists to their new homes. Well, one would beam the colonists and the other was dedicated solely to transporting April & June's purchases.

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At the colony's command post, Starfleet officers discussed the plans for the new colony...

avworffk9.jpgThe Klingons will be bringing in 500 warriors tomorrow to live in Crew Quarters Building 2.

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Crew Quarters Buildings 2: With hardwood floors, ample natural lighting and an endless goQ buffet, even Kahless endorsed the facility saying: "It is a good place to dine."

avspock2dk3.jpgSensors indicate that at least twice as many warriors would be needed if the base has a sale on shoes and April & June find out.

avkirk2kn5.jpgMy! Biggest! Concern! Is! The! Ship! ... We! Are! Running! Out! Of! Fuel!

avspock2dk3.jpgCaptain, it seems that Lieutenant Spidey siphoned the fuel tanks and drank it. Shall I notify Starfleet Command?

avtaloswp1.jpgThat shall not be necessary. I will use my massive head to think of a solution!

avpicardfo1.jpgSheesh! Whoever said "bald is beautiful" must have been thinking of me... not you!

avtaloswp1.jpgWatch it, Picard. I have major psychic powers. Beware my wrath.

avpicardfo1.jpgProve it!

avtaloswp1.jpgFine! Today's winning lottery numbers are 4-12-4-66-32.

avworffk9.jpgWe need a solution... fast! The Enterprise will crash into the planet if we don't act fast!

avent1lz9.jpgHelp! Help!! We're sinking! Let's inflate the life rafts and escape to safety.

avent2sd7.jpg
Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Enterprise, panic continues. The captain makes his way to the bridge.

avkirk2ax4.jpgQuick! Get the! jumper cables! Hook! the ship! Up! To! The USS! Hornet!

avscottam0.jpgKepten, I canna hold her together. She's gonna blow apart!

avkirk2kn5.jpgNow! Mr. Sulu! Turn! The! Key! And! Start! The! Enterprise!

avscottam0.jpgIt worked, kepten! But, I'll need 72 hours in spacedock to recharge the batteries and reprogram the presets in the radio. And, the wiring in the disco ball is short circuited.

avgornsj1.jpgNoooooooooooooooo!!! Not the disco ball!! And I was just getting ready to bust a move!

jenalopercu5.jpgIf you aren't going to par-tay, we are so out of here!

avrikertc8.jpgHold it right there!

jenalopercu5.jpgHey, they're like pointing their ray guns at us!..... That's like.... so rude!

avrikertc8.jpgNot at all, ladies... we need your phone to call the starbase for a tow to spacedock. And, maybe later, you two could beam over to my quarters...

avent1lz9.jpgEnterprise to starbase! Enterprise to starbase!

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We are receiving a signal on a non-Starfleet frequency. It's a text message from a cell phone... it's the Enterprise, and they are in trouble!

avworffk9.jpgWe will check back to see if they survive... after this message from our sponsor...

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The Simpsons, Season 452, now available on DVD and Beta and Borg Implant Video - proud sponsor of Outpost Beta 6.

And now, back to the show...

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The fusion power generator has transferred power to the Enterprise. The ship is now safe.

avrikertc8.jpgI never doubted it!

avpicardfo1.jpgReally? Why were you so sure we would survive?

avrikertc8.jpgI will have Mr. Spock pull up the data.

avspock2dk3.jpgHold on a minute. I am finishing an image scan of Seven of Nine...

OK, here's the data:
 

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46 Things that never happen in Star Trek
 

1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
2) The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
3) The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8) A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
9) The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
10) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11) The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12) The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, stange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweets.
14) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
15) Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17) The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day
19) An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20) A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21) Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22) Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23) Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24) Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
26) Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetty?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
27) When Worf tells the bride officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
28) Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
29) Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck.
30) Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates .
31) Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful.
32) The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
34) Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35) Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36) Data falls in love with the replicator.
37) Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
38) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
40) Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41) Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42) Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
43) Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
44) Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics
45) Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
46) The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.

 














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Outpost Beta 6 Update #2: April & June Beam Over

A limited engagement… I am dusting off the few episodes of this mini-CJ for your amusement and edification. It may possibly inspire me to go back and add some more once I post them all. In the mean time, beam yourself aboard Beta 6!

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The diplomats proposed a joint Federation-Klingon colony on Beta 6. Many have their reservations on how that will turn out...

avent1lz9.jpgNow approaching Colony Beta 6! Slow to impulse..

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Impulse buy?? Like, we are so there!!

Is that a handbag sale?

No, June, it's THE handbag sale!! 75% off new Klingon man bags! Let me at 'em!

No way, chick! Those man bags are mine!!!

Out of my way! I'm beaming those to my condo right now!

No you're not!!

Yes I am!!

Scuffling begins and the two start hair pulling and throwing objects... security is called.

avdefiantyr3.jpgWe'll stop April & June!! Our torpedoes will put a speedy end to this fighting!

The ship opens fire, unaware of the spatial vortex created by the magnetic attraction of April & June to purses and shoes. The photon torpedoes are deflected, but the shot does attract the attention of the two young ladies.

jenalopercu5.jpg

He's shooting at us?

He is? I missed it. I had a call on my cell phone.

OMG! He's trying to stop us from getting the new Klingon man bags!

He's like such a jerk! I am so gonna text my friends and tell them to vote him off the island.

You have friends?

Shut up! Oooh! Look!! Stiletto heels over there on sale!

Where??!!

April runs off toward the Klingon man bags, purchasing several while June is distracted. June quickly recovers from the deception, but only manages to get 37% of the purses to April's 63%. There will no doubt be some form of retaliation.

avent1lz9.jpgBeta 6, we are ready to start beaming down the colonists!

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Beta 6 control is ready to receive the colonists. Beam them over!

Now, the adventure has begun in earnest. Will the Klingons and Federation get along? Will April & June be satisfied with the intergalactic bargains on Beta 6? Will the Romulans declare war once they get their phone bill showing 8,548 text messages from A&J?

Only time will tell!!


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Schulmanator

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A limited engagement… I am dusting off the few episodes of this mini-CJ for your amusement and edification. It may possibly inspire me to go back and add some more once I post them all. In the mean time, beam yourself aboard Beta 6!

Star Trek Outpost Beta 6

Update 1: The Prequel

Things between the Klingons and Federation have never been too cozy. Even when there is a peace treaty, the peace is very fragile. In an effort to create galactic stability and prosperity, the Federation and the Klingon High Council have been meeting at Khitomer to discuss new ways to strengthen the alliance. Since the failed attempt at joint colonization at Nimbus III, both sides have been wary. Now, it falls on the crew of the Enterprise to save the conference from disaster.

avtos3nu8.jpg OK, it’s up to us to save the galaxy… again. Anyone have any bright ideas?

avspock2dk3.jpgLogically, we should negotiate a settlement with the Klingons. I calculate the odds of success at 1623.772 to 1.

avbonesod0.jpgBlast it, Spock!! I have had it with your blasted Vulcan logic!! Diplomacy’s dead, Jim!

avkirk2kn5.jpgI! have! Got! To! Think! Of! An! Idea!

avspock2dk3.jpgPerhaps, Captain, we could consider a joint colony on a more hospitable planet, such as Schulmanius Prime.

avkirk2kn5.jpgIsn’t! that! Near! The! Neutral! Zone!?

avspock2dk3.jpgThen, sir, I recommend Beta 6. It is a Class M planet and is not ruled by a rigid felinocracy, as is Schulmanius Prime.

avpicardfo1.jpgMake it so!

The proposal was sent to the delegates, who had a lively and spirited discussion.

avworffk9.jpgYou dishonorable scum! You must now die at my hand!

avsarekgu5.jpgYou are most illogical, Ambassador. Please read section 8 of my proposal…

avworffk9.jpgI must avenge the Empire! I shall send this proposal to Stovo’Qor!

avsarekgu5.jpgI will now attempt a mind meld… my mind to your mind…. We are becoming one…. I now know what to do to strike a deal…. Sign now and you will get a freighter full of batleths and a case of fresh goQ.

avworffk9.jpgYou are a good negotiator. Not much of a warrior, but, what can you say? Can’t be all things to all people.

Once the deal was struck, each side contacted home to begin preparations.

avbaseus0.jpgStar Base 163 to Enterprise: prepare to beam over the colonists and supplies.

avent1lz9.jpgBeam ‘em up, Scotty!

avkronostu0.jpgWarriors! Today is a good day to colonize! Let’s take over Beta 6 and then Beta 3 and 9. Then, on to 12 and 15 and all of the multiples of 3! For the Empire!!!!!!!!!

And, so, the colony on Beta 6 begins…












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