Ruteria is transforming!
by Rupert Apatax
Flag of the new Republic of Ruteria (above), which will replace the older, Monarchist flag (below)
MERIDA, RUTERIA- After weeks of protests in the Ruterian capital over the ongoing civil war, the monarchy, the problems with drug cartels, the government's handling of the devastating earthquake which took place a few weeks ago, and other such things, Her Majesty from Ruteria, Queen Monica I, has agreed to step down as Queen of Ruteria, ending her tenure as the youngest head of state in Ruterian history, and the last monarch of the Kingdom of Ruteria, which has lasted for centuries. However, due to a treaty signed earlier, she will continue to govern the Ruterian dependency of Linestecia on the other side of the Dacian Ocean, which will be granted sovereignty as the Independent Kingdom of Linestecia. The fate of the other Ruterian dependencies is as follows:
- The Territory of Zac Nicte, mostly situated along the coastline of the polar continent, Arktici, in the far north of Adonia, will be jointly administrated by the Independent Kingdom of Linestecia and the Republic of Ruteria.
- The royal palace-island of Scotlia, lying in the Alcadean Sea not far off the Posilliponian coastline, will be handed over to the Kingdom of Posillipo, although Queen Monica will continue to administrate it as an autonomous province.
- Any remaining Ruterian control over New Panutra will be relinquished, putting it under the complete control of Posillipo.
The fate of the State of Catlunia, which borders the Insulonian province of Andalusia to the north and the Kingdom of Mallano (which is not a USNW member state) to the west, is currently unclear, with reports variously stating that it will be handed over to Insulo, Mallano, or, according to some rumors circulating, it will have its independence restored. For the benefit of those who don't know, the two territories at the very westernmost tip of the Southwest Althena subcontinent, Catlunia and Andalusia, were created earlier this year, when the Republic of Insulo, with backing from a few other USNW members, staged an invasion of the Principality of Andalusia, titled Operation Firestorm, to prevent further official discrimination against ethnic Insulonians, which had the result of removing Andalusia as an independent nation from the map, and dividing it between Insulo and Ruteria, who were the primary victors in the war.
The interim Ruterian government has requested that, for the time being, 1) All embassies in Ruteria be closed by January 14; 2) All foreign relations be frozen by January 16; 3) All borders will be closed from the 19th to the 25th of January; 4) The Ruterian Delegation to the International Assembly must withdraw before January 19th; 5) All Ruterian ambassadors to other nations must leave by the same date; 6) All foreign troops and naval vessels must be out of the country by January 16.
The last requirement is going to cause plenty of trouble for Ruteria's two Brother-Countries the Imperial Federal Kingdom of Grand, Belluterra, and Malo, and the Utrovan Empire, as the two countries have well over 100,000 personnel stationed in Ruteria (mostly because of the Civil War), but have only a week to withdraw every single member of their militaries in the country. More on this story as it develops.
Scuffle breaks out in International Assembly
by Samuel Hendrickson
The International Assembly Building in New Chandler
NEW CHANDLER CITY, NEW CHANDLER- Earlier today, during voting on the subject of the proposed United Forces Bill 2012, a brief fight broke out when, after claiming that a "literal brawl/fist fight" was about to break out in the International Assembly, one of the delegates from Troix suddenly took off one of his shoes and threw it at the outgoing First Minister of the USNW, Charles "Chip" Brown, of Posillipo. Mr. Brown quickly ducked to avoid the shoe, which was then caught by Mr. John Marshall, the Grandian Representative to the International Assembly. He then threw the shoe at a security guard with a baseball bat, who then hit the shoe out of a window, breaking it, while Mr. Brown pulled out a knife (reportedly a simple butterknife) and hurled it at the Sanese delegate who threw the shoe, saying "Take that pooca".
The knife slightly injured the delegate, who then loudly proclaimed "food fight!" and took a banana from his briefcase. He then chucked it into the air, aiming at no one in particular, while most of the Grandians in the hall started pulling raspberries out of their pockets and throwing them at anyone and everyone, including each other. It was around this time that a raspberry was thrown at the outgoing Chancellor of the Union, Jon Clarke, of the Republic of Insulo. Fortunately however, the raspberry failed to strike him. Then, all of a sudden, a high-ranking corporate official, who was possibly working for the airline SaverJet, ran into the room with a toy airplane, and then broke off one of the engines, throwing it at Mr. Marshall. Marshall quickly ducked to avoid the incoming engine, which then hit the Sanese Representative, who was about to throw the aforementioned knife back at Mr. Brown. Most likely, it was because of being hit by the engine, toy though it was, that he completely missed the First Minister, the knife instead glancing off one of the walls of the Hall and falling to the ground harmlessly.
Around this time, Kurt Smith, the Shaydenite Representative and the current Executive Secretary-elect, entered the room, but was quickly stabbed by another banana that someone threw, and fell to the floor unconscious, due to his allergy to bananas. Mr. Marshall then decided to sit down in the middle of all the confusion and eat some hamburgers, but he didn't get very far, as another Representative, apparently from Rheinland, one of the Union's newest members, ran up and clubbed him in the head with a few very large sausages, just as the corporate official, who remarkably hadn't been arrested yet, broke off another engine from the toy and again threw it at the Grandian Representative. However, once again, the engine missed him, and then struck the Sanese Representative yet again, just as he was proclaiming the beginning of a "real fist fight".
After the Sanese delegate hit the ground again, some of Mr. Smith's aides sent out a "super" computer virus which was intended to infect all the computers in the city, but as it turned out, not a single computer was affected by the "attack". Moments after this, Mr. Smith woke up, and then immediately left the Hall, obviously not in the mood for being struck by another banana. Almost as soon as he had left, Mr. Matthew, the New Friscian Representative, walked into the room, and as soon as he had done so, everyone stopped fighting, although the First Minister tossed a firecracker out of the broken window a few minutes later, which then landed harmlessly in the gardens below.
All together, the fight lasted only 6 minutes, or 12 minutes if the explosion of the firecracker is counted as the true end to the fight. Weapons & "weapons" involved were: 1 shoe, 1 baseball bat, 1 knife, >2 bananas, an unknown quantity of raspberries (estimated to be in the lower hundreds), several fists, 2 jet engines, 2 hamburgers, 3 large sausages, 1 "super" computer virus, & 1 firecracker. Official responses to the brawl have varied, from Troix (followed by Grand) dismissing their Representatives, Genryoku Akao (Troix) and John Marshall (Grand) and replacing them with Shinchiro Sekai (Sanese MP for Sekigahara Prefecture) and Daniel Emperor (current First Minister-elect), respectively, to the Ruterian Delegation lamenting their disappointment in finding that the other delegates were not "high-class formal people", to the statement of the corporate official (who shall remain anonymous), who, when asked if he knew why the brawl started, simply stated "Because awesome."
In other news...
- Fortilla Diplomatic Summit in Fortilla, Troix enters its fourth day
- The Adonian Winter X Games have begun! Click here to see the opening ceremony!
- Residents of Frikseltown report that the Giant Mutant Monster Frogs have started barking and howling like never before
- "Mysterious rabbit people" revealed to be a teenager's prank